Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine a light in and
let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and
let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king

Psalm 33:2-3
"2 Praise the LORD with the harp;
. Make melody to Him with an instrument of ten strings.
3 Sing to Him a new song;
. Play skillfully with a shout of joy."

hanyuen
np>fms>mcm
newcreationchurch>campus>npAnointed

I am
[HIGHLY FAVOURED]
χαριτόω
charitoō

[DEEPLY LOVED]
ἀγάπη
agapē

[GREATLY BLESSED]
εὐλογέω
eulogeō

-9:31 pm

and that used to be my motto. and yet... after you, i melted. and i didnt feel so fierce. i didnt feel so ferocious. you unlocked quite alot of what i have supressed for years: the nicely nice part of me.

and so people start pushing me around. and i feel weak... and im sad...



today early morn went gym. like i woke at 6.15am to go. and i was the only person there. you all , prolly though im such a fool. but im doing what i believe in. and so f* off.

and you shuddap. keep ur hurtful remarks to urslf. coz pple dun bull in front of u. so u bull behind theirs. and stop being so bitchy.

went for webgraph. shocking. more pple came for new years eve than christmas. hmm... quite unexpected. anywayz... theres a test. photoshop test. starting was diff then l8r easier. i didnt know what the heck the gradient tool editor was. so i was lost for the time being. luckily michele gave us a clue. so nice of him happy new year newaez..

haha..... i feel like i bring bad luck to pplez... no one should hv to be ard me... im just doomed... so why bother hanging wif me?

dun u noe i doom people also? i bring unhappiness to pple.... haiz.... so much work...

im dead tired... save me...........



-4:41 pm

haiz... alot of work piling up... no time to blog nowadays... hahaha.. it was as i forsaw... when d crunch time comes... will u brk or will u stand up to it?

i did my IAC test.... quite accurate..

Im an INTP. wich means introvert, intuitive, thinker and perceiver.

'People of this type tend to be: quiet, independent, and private; logical and unemotional; creative, ingenious, and innovative, global thinkers; curious and driven to increase their competence; casual, and adaptive; noncorforming and unpredictable. The most important thing to INTPs is their privacy and the opportunity to solve complex problems in unique ways.'

or

'Quiet and reserved. Especially enjoy theoretical or scientific pursuits. Like solving problems with logic and analysis. Interested mainly in ideas, with little liking for parties or small talk. Tend to have sharply defined interests. Need careers where some strong interest can be used and useful.'

thats pretty accurate...

and now for todays fuck shits.

i hate my laptop. it sux. its slow and keyboard is quirky. i cant even type properly. for some reason d touchpad keeps on being touched although i didnt touch it, so my mouse cursor is flying all over the fucking place. its v hard to type on this crappy laptop.

and im fucked up. im v pissed. coz of everything thats happening in school. screw u all...

all u do is just mock me. if it wasnt for my sarcastic bitter attitude think i wld hv snapped at u. so stop being a know-it-all. so what if u in a gd grp? so what? shuddup then. u jz care abt urslf. u dun care abt others. miracle u hv frenz.

fed up... so much work to do.

dunno wre to start.

monday
CATS, marketing test, Socpsy, wricom journal
tuesday
radio assignments, socpsy
wednesday
IAC, CATS
thursday
....

my brain just died... bah... seeing so much work... im feeling hopeless... i just tke each day as it is...

and im without hope.... without any thought of anything... just moving through day by day.. like an automaton. while others mock me... and look down on me... and scream at me. and tke from me...

so just dun... pls............



-10:13 am

Everyone is just pushing me around. Like I don't matter. But I've got no fight left in me.

So what are you gonna do? Just cry and whimper? I just tolerate it all.

Go ahead and move me away out of the group. Push me around. I know none of you want me in ur grp. y? bcoz i failed too much? bcoz u dun like my face? so im supposed to b wif ur grp and now bcoz of others u push me away. tts fine but shut the fuck up then. dun make me make u.

stop pushing me around. before i brk my limit. and snap back at you all. u all think im laughing and what. but i tell you. i gonna brk. and u all. and it all started frm locvid. but it didnt end at locvid. it shld hv ended but it didnt. it just kept building and building and i hate you all. so fuck off and stop disturbing me. stop kicking me around as if im a ball.

and my only salvation is you. but somehow, i feel devasted. and i look into my future and all i c is isolation and cryin. and tears of pain. and i hope ull be well. please be well. heal urslf and dun fall like me....



-4:47 pm

and so tml is christmas. it is the day christ is born right? y den does my heart feel so heavy?


im in such low spirits ok..... i m near to my breaking point. just one step closer and ill break. and ill never b whole again. and nothing u say can help. nothing u do can help.

today is a fuck day.

i woke up early in the morning and i feel like i hardly slpt. i came to school alone.

im tired. den i met julian. he told me merry xmas. thank you. he gave me a tie for a christmas gift. thank you again.

den karthi and cai came. and after that michele. so there is a lesson. den i went 4 d lesson. my mood was really bad. i felt like dying. i feel so empty.... i felt so lifeless...

after tt was lunch. and i was brain dead. so i did something boliao.

den came marketing. and he came. and he screwed up my research. in truth, it isnt much. i know. and it isnt him. but still. im very very mad. and upset. and i wish i hadnt come. i wished i had died. i wished that i had died in hospital. iwished i had died back then. im sorry i lived so long.

so anway, he chewed up all the stuff we got. because it was a case of barking up the wrong tree. and i was pissed. and now my brain is dead. and i cannot write. so i shall just write like this. because im dead and im tired.

and i wan to cry.

so i looked forward to the end. because i could b with you. i hoped you could heal me. coz i have faith in you. so i held on, and persevered. but i was in pain alot. my face showed it. no one noticed. or no one cared. no one asked, 'are you ok? u look like ure in pain.' because ur face is all scrunched up. and u cant open ur eyes. u look like a zombie. and ur eyes are glazed. u look dazed, u look dead.

i wish i was. God...

i kept it all inside. how i felt. because i know none of you will care. in fact, u all will make it worse.

Why?



im nothing now. i m dead now.

im happy wen im alone. and yet, sometimes d spark of life can flow through. and i re-animate. and i smile and laugh and joke. but wen it leaves, im stranded in the dark. in-animate and incoherent. and i cant move. and i just slump down. and it is at this point that YOU can help...







-10:13 pm

I;m nearing the breaking point. I just walk through the day, as if i'm dazed. I feel lke time just passes me by. and nothing happens...

i thought its all over once i found the i/c. i never expected that it's worse. why is it worse? because i have a dear loanshark father. yes... he is a loanshark. im not ashamed to say so. because im not his 'son'. im in a job called 'son', 'Ong' clan. first position. or what you would call 'Private First Class'.... Sir yes Sir!

so what does the loanshark want? well... for starters, he keeps bugging me about his $100. He says it in a nasty twisting manner, as if i owe him my life. He bangs on the toliet door 6am in the morning screaming bloody murder. He comes home and starts to bug me for his money. And he has never asked "How's your day?'

so... i dont want him to care. just want him to shut up.

its not my fault i got no$100. dey need 1 week to process the money and plc it in my bank acc. so can u just wait? lumpy? obviously he cant. he wants me to take it OUT OF MY POCKET MONEY???? WHAT KIND OF SICK FATHER DOES THIS? ITS NOT THE FIRST TIME... IM GONNA KILL HIM ONE DAY.

HY: I’m ending off by encouraging you to get his latest album. Featuring no.1 hits like ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ and ‘It’s my Life’. You won’t regret it! Coming up next, Wanted Dead or Alive. (Fade off)

CON: Sig Tune CD Sig Tune 8901 Tr 6000 (5 secs)
(Fade in) Music ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ CD Music 400 Tr 1900

Part of my radio script. It sucks.



-8:26 pm

My father's a bloody cock. He gives me $100, to re-make my lost i/c, and then, now that I've my wallet back, he's hounding me for it. The only difference between him and a loanshark is his courtesy.

He came early in the morning, when I jz wke up, and i'm in d toliet getting rdy to bathe. and u noe wen u jz wke up ull all grumpy and slpy. i jz want to bathe . but tt stupid bastard come to the door adn starts banging on it and repeating over and over again, "where's my money? return my $100! today return can?" without a doubt he is the epitome of a bastard father. a true specimen of a useless dad.

when i reach home, and so does he, the first thing that comes out of his shit mouth is, "did u draw out the $100?"

So i says, "no, no time. i had school today."

"Then give me out of your pocket money."

What in the seven seas is he thinking? Am i not his son? actually ive long forgotten i m his son. i c my present status as a permanent job at the Ong family. And why is that so? its not my fault! dey treat me like a servant. dey call my pocket money salary, adn ill only get it once a month, on the 15th and before that, they cannot give me.

stupid bastard and bitch.

obviosuly, i sinking lower and lower into despair!

everytime i stop and start thinking, it overwhelms me: all the hatred and despair and all my faults.

I've committed so many mistakes.

So why cant i escape this rut?

you all tink im happy and cheerful. you all think im fun to be with. i tell u im a walking lie. im not him . im not that person sitting beside you. that is just an illusion, a mirage. fake and empty, you can talk to him and he responds but he'll nv b anything more than a dream. because i died a long time ago....

and no one mourned me and no one cared. no one even noticed ffs.

you see me in school. a walking zombie. a boy who looks so real. who breathes, runs, thinks, eat and laughs. but i know im nothing. i cannot be that boy... oh how I've fallen from grace... so please treat me properly, as you do a corpse. and pay me respects. and dun bother with me. cause thats not the real me.... you'll shiver if u knew me...

I’m losing my sanity. I laugh to the darkness at night. I laugh alone and I talk to myself. I cuss at the air, expecting a reply… and why have i fallen? because of so many events that still haunt me to this very day. they play with my mind, warping my thoughts, feeding a fury that cannot be controlled. im simmering, like a kettle of boiling water, and one day i know ill blow and lose control again, and become a ravager....

because i was born this way. and this is my path... through no fault of mine... i never wanted this.... please.. if there really is a God, let him hear me... because i feel so empty....

Do you know the strength of Faith? I think i understand...



-1:57 pm

haiz... i v confused. dunno which day to do what.

J.Lo says that we teens got 29hrs a day. huh... den hw come im shortchange? i feel as if i;ve less than 24hrs.

i have so many damn tings to do. wish that people will stop hitting out at me.

YOU! fat lumpy boy. living d gd life at d poly le so stop being so materialistic. i did not forget ur b'dae. dun u noe i cant even feed myself, u bastard? so stop bothering me. is a present all u want? dun u want friendship? everyone is gonna give u sumting for ur freaing b'dae, while no one gives me anything. i only received one birthday present in my entire life. so stop asking about yours. ull gonna get christmas prezzies also, stop y u wan 1 from me? stupid fat bastard.

AND YOU! poor little boy. always pushed around. but its not us. its u! u say d stupidest things, do d stupidest things. u never listen to wat we say. wat d hell ru tinking? dun u ever learn? ull always off on your own missions and always acting moody. stop being such a prick. u've a blessed life, more than others, so stop being an asshole.

AND YOU! stop screaming at me!!! i treat you well enough. i tolerate u enough le. stop screaming at me girl. i've had enough of it. i told u i hate to be screamed at. so stop it, before i really lose it one day.

AND YOU! hypocrite is it? or r u jz snubbing me? wre r u such a bitch? u look fair on d outside, but u speak as if ure all rotted inside. tink u r above me issit? didnt God teach you all men are equal? i know u arent but doesnt mean u can be a bitch.

AND YOU! fucking whore. screw off wif ur dumbass cat. lying betrayer.

AND YOU! OHY, sick of you. sick of your face. sick of looking in the mirror and it shows you! im afraid to see you in the mirror. cause you make me sick. just looking makes me wana tear you apart. i hate the way you lie, you twist everything. i hate the way you have to tolerate others. i hate the way you have to live a lie, i hate the way you do anything. always snivelling, always losing out. never making a mark.

stop marking me! i got enough shit. i treat you all with fairness and kindness. and dis is hw u shoot me back? say im like this, tink im like this. i know i lie and i know i AM A LIE. i hate the way i have to get up everyday to become a lie. coz tts not hu i m. and no one bothers to know me or even care. and over time, i became like this. and all you people say NO! and den, its me d blame falls on.




-11:26 pm

dead tired. thats not a sentence i know.

i found my wallet again. prolly some nice old cleaner who picked it up and returned it. doubt if a student did that. ngee anns full of bastards. and i m d Chief.

i went to d gym. like my 2nd visit ya? and it sucked as well. it was crowded and i cant get access to d only bench in the whold freaking gym. what the hell.... now i remember y i hate gyms... hahaha... but i have to. coz i tink its d only way. to move up and actually put some meat. honestly, i prefer my home... but i dont have money. coz im not a rich boy..

im really fed up wif dis sem. and class is a bitch. they tink im lame or what. i know... THIS ISNT ME.... im fake, i hv nv been more fake. nv felt more as if im betraying myself everyday.

dont u know? cannot u c it? i laugh n laugh along... but deep down im jz crying and cursing myself... i dun wan to laugh or smile. i just cant... but something is moving my lips. curving it, into a dead mockery of happiness. it causes noise to form in my throat. deep laughter, as if im happy. but im not.

im an affront to people. i shld just die.. .but i cant.... and i hv to live on. for what i dunno.... bone dead tired. wana cry...

wished i cld solve tt gym prob... wish i cld bulk up.... wish i cld jz die..... and its not my fault. not suicide... and i can slp forever. mebe worshiping God all day in heaven isnt so bad.... hahahaha



-10:50 pm

I lost my wallet. But I didn't realise it until i came home and made a through search for it.

I'm upset enough, without needing my stupid parents screaming at me. My dad will scold and nag. My mom will be a total bitch.

So let' s see my wonderful Life! Poor han is feeling down, why because he has tears rolling down his cheeks! and does that mean he is crying? Why of course, Sir! And so why is he calling people up to ask about his missing wallet? Because he was with them on the fateful day!

hahaha......
so y issit that she says, "look at him. lost his wallet but still not serious!"
and my pa will keep repeating what to do, and do do, and do do do........ stupid bastard and bitch.

hahaha.......
i'm not serious. i'm just crying because i lost my I/C and feeling upset! I'm calling my people up to inquire coz i lost my I/C! so im not serious at all!!!

can u all c my plight??? or cant u??????? y cant anyone jz offer me a hand?
y do i have to do everything alone? y do i fight on alone? y do i even feel alone?

look at him in school! so chirpy and bubbly. i laugh the loudest. but is that me? NO ITS NOT........

and no one knows. they all think im whatever. im not who i am. who am i?

im living a lie. i laugh the loudest. i make the jokes. i smile at everyone.
im not me. im crying inside. im mocking myself. i smile with grit teeth.

why am i like this? why do i lead two lives? why does God treat me like this? why do i suffer more than others? why is my life spiralling out of my control... why am i crying??? why am i always scolded? why do people yell at me? why ................................ i cant go on... i just want to laugh and forget it all.........



-11:15 pm

but words fail me........

i wan to cry but the tears stall............

i feel my heart sagging, and i cant move.............

i wan to smile but my face's frozen...............

i wan things to work... but im my own bane............

i doomed myself and now i hurt.....................

the wind is blowing and im chilled to the bone........

my life is broken yet everyone wants a piece from me.....

i fight alone....... and im tired...................

i never stood a chance.....





-11:12 pm

I'm very tired.... Really... do u know what true tiredness is?

i'm physically tired. and that is not your 'never sleep so tired' crap. none of you know!!! and why? i probably overtrained, and my body is weaker and crappier and shittier than ever!!!! damn you all.... everything blame me, push on me, lie to me, you think im invulnerable??????????????????????????? my body is so tired that i cant do anything i used to do. i cant do 15 on the bar. i cant press as much as i could. i cant do as many pushups..... im dying.... cant you all see???????

im bone tired. down to my whites... i yawn alot. i moan alot...

i've lost my touch. im sick of this life. i've screwed up everything. cant u pple jz treat an invalid nicely???????

damn u all.... its all pressing down on me. i should be frustrated. i should b depressed. im crying deep down in my heart. so sore..... cant u c it? cant any1? wat d hell ru pple?

i hate u all... always disturbing me. always scolding me, and i cant get out. i cant let out my rage. im caged and cant move. just like an unhappy songbird. give me some slack. i got enough shit with me.................

i jz wan 2 lead a norm life. jz wan to feel happi. y cant u pple let me? y do u push me ard, but forbid me to? i fight back, i persevere but theres onli so much d human mind can tke. n my hearts failed alrdy. n i fight alone. dis fight and battle and war against.... wat? fuck u and leave me alone.............



-6:19 pm

today is the end of the first week. im feeling down... that is an understatement.

first, ill talk about my modules.

i believe strongly that these semester's modules are much more interesting than the past one. no offense to my previous teachers, but the present ones seem quirky and quack. i'm enjoying radio production, while the others are ok, but written comm is better than i thought cause of the teacher.

the main point is not the semester. this semester rocks in my opinion, but the class seems changed.

firstly, jean and jane seem very close now, and that means that cai is drifting even furthur from jean. avonda once mentioned that cai is the sort who won't work with people she doesn't like. she absolutely won't tahan them.

secondly, cai is now kinda drifting between karthi and julian and me and nas, while hanging out with the other half of the class for lunch. something she calls 50%, cause she doesnt like 50% of my company. easy to guess who huh? im ok wif every1, its important for my sanity, as i have enough bullshit in my Life.

thirdly, i sense that the class seems very separated. everyone and everything feels different. its like people are hanging out with people they didn't used to, and there seems to be an aversion for certain people to hang out and group up. again, all these is just MY observation.

lastly, i'll rather stick in the present group now. i like my locvid group. except for certain things that could be changed. that's caused i work with nuan yi and vivien alot. in fact, i think only graph comm and specom i didnt. so its kinda like i know how they're like. and i dare say they're nice to work with. not like some people.... which i shall not mention in case they stumble unto my blog..... they're everywhere!!!!!!!







-8:11 am

just want to go and be alone.



-8:09 am

I'm a damn loser........ Damn damn damned............hahaha................

i really tried... but how come i have to settle for only half the results? how come i've never been tops? how come i'm trailing? how come i never accomplished anything? how come people don't care what i've done.... how come i'm faded????????????

why why why.... I'm despairing....... does anyone know what black despair is?!?!?? does anyone know? what it is like to know nothing will ever be done? nothing...... its just nothing.... no words, no feelings, just a gaping dark hole........... hahaha..... im mad..................................... im talking nonsense once again...............

not the first time, but i was alone, now i carry all the stress of the world, on my shoulders, and im buckling, and i want to win, and i.................

i'm always second, i'm always second last, i'm never there....... i want to be, i tried. i did my best. but I'm just NOT THERE..... sick of all this crap.................. i wana leave, but im nothing, and i have nowhere. and i don't want to be somewhere, i'm just looking at myself, and cursing, and losing it... and i want to escape, i want to play video games, and vanish and i want no one to see. and i want to lose that pain...........





-8:21 pm

I can't think of any title. Just rambling on and on... neverending grumbles... hahaha...

i realli cant bear it.... im really on the verge of collapsing. but amazingly, my body keeps on going and going. it refuses to buckle. and my spirit, although fatigued,... is still moving on. i wonder why.. is this a test of some sort? if so... when does it end? how long must i suffeR?

I'm really tired... there's really no way to describe it. just simply, effectively, and plainly: tired. i'm over-extended, too much focus on too many distractions. im supposed to be studying. its a students top priority, right? so, i have to... don't you understand? but yet... i don't want to... i don't know what's the alternative. labour? nothing to do otherwise... so i soldier on.

i have to devote time to study, make time for exercise, find time for a relationship. it's draining. it's taking its toll... and im losing it again.

i hate my body. it disgusts me. its soft, like lard, and i feel like a lump of butter. my face is ghastly and my natural complexion fair. i tried to become more tan, but i failed. like i said, the cycle.... when i comeout on a beautiful day to go meet min, or school, the Sun shines it all its glory. and yet when i think, "hmm, maybe should go to the pool today." the Sun hides its mighty rays behind clouds. its ironic, and its painfully obvious to me. Is Heaven making sport of me?

does anyone understand what its like? i feel tormented... i feel crazy...
rage clouds me, problems plague me, pain drives me, happiness eludes me, sadness fills me, chaos owns me.... im not sure even what im saying... i feel like im drowning in a sea of sorrow, and regret.... regret from all the wrongs i've done....



-10:17 pm

I miss my childhood. When I say that, I mean my primary school days.

I miss those days when the world was simple and plain. When all there was to do, was think about what to play during recess, what to eat during playtime, what was cooking for dinner. How much longer till school ended, and I can go home relax. Or go to the tiny air-conditioned library for a good read or comic book. Back then, I carried none of the worries that I bear now. Days were as simple as black and white, as clear as crystal and the only thought was playing.

But now... as we growup and are exposed more and more to the cruel world, we lose that special child innocence and develop our different identities. Sometimes, I'll think of the future and see none, or bleak one, and feel as if the world weighed down on me. Where, oh where is that simplicity in Life?

As I think back now, I believe that I should have done more. Should have played more, if it was possible. Because when we growup and begin to shoulder our resposibilties and duty, we cease to know how to rest, how to revert to that childlike innocence. And we grow wreary, and battle-hardened, wheares children would remain evergreen and happy.

Therefore, I feel that children should be allowed to enjoy their childhood. Yes, I agree that it is important to get a headstart in Life, but if a child misses his childhood, and grows up without ever enjoying it, he/she would miss it forever, for childhood is fleeting and memorable, and will bear many sweet memories for years to come. If you are parents, let your child play, there is no harm in it. For in time to come, he/she will grow up, have no fear of that. But they will outgrow their childhood, never to return. Whether they bear happy memories into advancing years, is all up to you.



-9:25 pm

Today is the first day of school. I doubt if I've much time in the future.

School takes up alot of time... I couldn't find time to fit everything in. My life and interests, School, and GF. Haiz...

I've met my panel of torturers. They're quirky to say the least, and eccentric for the most. Haha.. ok they may be listening... they say they've done that before: hunt down all the blogs by the students and read them at their discretion. Sounds like the Matrix huh?

It reminds me of an ethical hypothesis. If, for e.g. a Kingdom just recovered from civil war, and is now in and unsettled period of peace, and there is a group of telepaths who can read a person's mind and find out their loyalty, should they be used during peacetime? Or what about during war? Is it ethical to read people's mind? Can it be justified?

Anyway, I'm feeling better. Either I really have bipolar depression, or I merely had a case of the downs. Cause I starting to feel more uplifted again.... Worried that I would feel maniacal. Please... make me feel spirited again... God bless...



-10:12 pm

well... Monday school reopens... its time to go back to be grinded back to dust. honestly speaking... im not looking forward to it... and looking forward. i guess im a muddled and confused person.... d sch timetable is less than ideal, with classes starting after lunch and ending in the evening. this means that 1.i hv to buy lunch to eat frm sch and ive only got moths in my wallet. 2.d whole day is ruined coz after cls is gonna b late, and ders no time to do projects or go out. 3.im gonna b busier. i jz know dis....

d prince of persia game has been released, with the lord of the rings:battle for middle earth following closely. furthurmore, world of warcraft and dungeons and dragons: demon stone have also been released. hmm.. wish i cld play... but ive got too much things to do, and too little time.

ever wonder y in life, we must scurry frm plc to plc, hurry from project to project? i mean... wat happen tt increased d pace of living? untill we r practically striving to live each day... if we were to tke a day off, and stay at hm.. strangely enough, we begin to feel bored and listless. like something is missing. and that something is work. life in urban places is hectic and unforgiving, thats why we need to take holidays. unfortuanately, i lack the funds for that. and i havent travelled in eons.... i feel like i never rested at al..

following d cycle of problems model, after i graduate from secondary school, im given 1 mth to rest. i had to travel during tt sparse amount of time, to try and obtain jobs. of course i failed.
den im thrown rite into junior collge(jc) life. wow... like one day i was rushing abt, d nxt day im rushing to sch again. new environment, new faces, new work to do... after d initial first 3mths of jc life, i decided to go a polytechnice, earning myself, 3~4 mths of holiday. again, i had to find a job. i landed one with my friend at some restaurant at Orchard road, selling mushroom dishes and paper steamboat. d work is hectic and when d customers start coming in waves, the seniors start yelling at me. hmm... after tt stint as a 'runner', im whisked off to 'enjoy' life at my new polytechnic. oh joy! new faces... again. new environment that calls for adaptation immediately, lest i b left behind... n now, its d end of tt year, and its my semester break, yet, my parents decide suddenly to renovate the house. therefore, there is no rest and respite from the outside world. strangers come in at will , drilling and knocking and causing all sorts fo din.

no rest for the wicked.... on top of that, im growing rounder with lack of exercise. proven... i suppose its gd to put on some weight, but how about putting on muscle and not fats?!?

so i decided to draw up a schedule:

Day 1
Pushups +x-reps
One-arm pushups(training)
Crunches
Jacknives
Plank

Day 2
Pullups/varying handgrips
1-legged squats(pistols)/slow-mo deep squats
Reverse back extensions
Bicycle crunches

hmm... hopefully i didnt miss out anyting...
a quick review of my goals: everyone must set goals. arnold schwarzenegger set 'em. michael jordan set 'em. bruce lee set 'em. all of history's greatest.

anyway.
1. 120pushups
2. perform several one-arm pushups
3. perform 20+ pistols
4. 200 crunches
5. 100 jacknives
6. hold the plank position for 5mins
7. 20+ pullups

can't figure out exactly what time limit i shld set. but i've decided that by my birthday, 29/4, i've achieved at least half of d goals.
so get cracking buster!!!! hahax....i mz b nuts....




-9:38 pm

I'm seriously unlucky.... really... in fact i think i doom d people ard me.

hw unlucky am i? well... ive lots of proof... what kind of person can solve one problem, to something and then hv another pop up. for eg, wen i wanted to learn something, i lacked money, wen i finally get tt money, i suddenly lack the time for it. wen i get time and money, i lack d motivation. den wen i feel motivated agn, i lost d money.

c? it keeps going on and on... im stuck in a cycle of unluckiness...
wen others do something... dey dun kena... wen i do, i kena 1st.

If you ever get a wish... NEVER wish for strength, wealth, health or fame, or anything... only wish for LUCK! a lucky person lives a lucky life... which is worth far far more that anyother kind of life.

i really wish i cld b lucky. d character in halo. d master chief, spartan 117, john, is d luckiest spartan. he may not b d strongest, fastest, most agile, accurate shooter, smartest, etc, etc... but he is d luckiest and as prove of luck being d num1 factor... he has survived far longer than his more 'powerful' teammates.

to get a sense of his luck, wen he flips a coin, he is so confident of which side he lands. wen dr. hasley bets him a coin, wre she flips it, he catches it and he yells 'Eagle!'.. and he wins.

now i blif u tink tt perhaps it was mere chance that has doomed MY life... but how can tt b? consider dis, mebe sumtimes it is chance, mebe sumtimes it is my fault, but others hv done d exact same ting, wif no repurcussions, how can i kena over and over and over agn... for d entire time i live on Earth??





-3:06 am

i'm really really weak... took me this long to find out huh? haha... y do i say tt?

i cant do one-arm pushups.... and my strength endurance is poo...

i believe there are 3 ways to 'train'. one is muscle-building oriented. which builds the most muscle BUT not neccessary means strong. imagine a muscleman without strength and you'll get the idea. which i also gif up on. 2nd is strength-oriented. which means you buld up d most strength you can. i measure this in how much u can lift(1-rep max). usually, but NOT ALWAYS, these two come together. lastly is endurance. which i measure in how much the muscles can take punishment. usually, strength and endurance are together. again, its not always the case.

and now... i really really wish to die. coz after training for so long... what do i get? i lost my baby fat, and about everythin else too. i got my knee busted so that now i cant run for long distances anymore. just wen i was getting better at running. i tink im suffering from overtraining, characterized by fatigue, depression, lethargy, no energy during workouts, dreading workouts, dreading anyting fer God's sake... etc etc....

i really tried my best. but i guess God didn't mean it to be. im going to give up on that muscle crap, and focus on strength and endurance instead. and im going to master my bodyweight.

so i'll b taking a looong hiatus from heavy weightlifting, and focus on calisthenics. specifically, pushups, pullups, isometrics.

hopefully, i'll b able to achieve 120 pushup at one go, crank out one-arm pushups, 25 pullups, and hold the various isometric exercises at beyond 5mins. all by Christmas... nah just kidding abt tt part. im wiser, but more bitter.. hahaha...

hmm... seems like i left out ab exercises... oh yes... i'll b able to crank out 200crunches. and have HARD abs. not just abs but real hard stone ones...

i tink im asking too much... am i??????

so that concludes my musings.

Gd luck man... seems like ure going in alone again.





-12:30 pm

I'm without close friends anymore...

Perhaps it is all my fault. I used to think i dun nid frenz... tt if dey left me... fine....

but den... hmmm... mebe...

i used to b frenz wif me entire primary school class.i had frenz... close frenz, and bez frenz.

and den came sec sch. n i had a few frenz.i made frenz but i lost dem all.... im still losing dem... wre did u all go?

and so... after 10 yrs of schooling and meeting pple, ive surveyed the aftermath and derived that ive found a grand total of... A FEW frenz.

lets c...
frm my pri sch: 0
frm my sec sch: andy, cj, js(worsening),..... woops, tts all. d rest i noe i hv.. or rather had. all gone...
frm my poly: fang, n... mebe THEY? ... but i dunno y i feel so empty 2wards dem. i tink its all my fault. i didnt spend time wif dem? n so... ive A FEW frenz...

n nw lets c... among my frenz... cj and js r busy at another poly. its a miracle dey didnt forget me.
andy is still at sec sch, jz passed his Os... tt leaves fang. fang is a diff course frm me, and i doubt if i might jz call her and say 'hey! lets meet up!'well well... seems like im more anti-social den i thot... haha

y... m i anti-social? if ever dere was one gd eg... it'll b me. not nli can u count d pple i count on as frenz on nli d fingers of a hand, but den my attitude towards frenz is sumwat lacking...

im sad... alone? blasted...

"No my Lord Aragorn... We're not so lucky in our friends as you are.."
-King Theodore, Lord of Rohan

[DARE]
alyn~aforannoying
glen-nys
Shavonne
---
[CAMPUS]
Huiyi~
'Vann the Psalmist
Amy the rich girl
Pearlynn~
----
dream guitar
Seal of the Spirit
---
fiona
fang
isabel
julian
karthi
lynn
nurul
penny
pearl
prema
sylvia
say wee
tricia
---



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