Psalm 33:2-3
i just converted the DVD live worship of the Jesus is album.
vann got it as her christmas present at NP B's party.
hmm.... yesterday..... i noticed something....
i was practising my scales.
but didn't feel that i was 'flowing'
there was a sense of..... being MUTED.
anyone know what im talking?
dont understand?
ok nevermind. in the flow hallelujah!
so i stopped my scales after warmup, and the thought of learning new songs appealed to me. so i tried my hand at it... and Jesus just gave me grace to just flow learning new songs.
it made me realise that... Jesus LITERALLY, LITERALLY, is teaching me music. LITERALLY!
when He wants me to play scales, ill flow along and find grace to do His Will.
when I'm supposed to play bass, ill flow along and find grace to do His Will.
LITERALLY will flow.
theres a super-acceleration when we flow with God.
i don't think we can ever be OUT of God's flow, just as the Holy Spirit can never leave us. whatever we do, God knows. how can it be said we aren't following along His plans?
just as if we swam along a river, if i flowed with the river, i move at maximum speed. if i swam at a 30degree angle, i oppose the flow, but i still flow nonetheless. if i turn around and tried to swim upstream, i cant.
you can try but you cant hide!
no im kidding... that sounds scary.
hah!
Jesus loves~
oh ya... im in PEZ A for NS.
i was pondering upon this....
and i told Jesus once: i dont want to be a slacker... but i want to slack too.
you know what i mean?
but this kind of things right.... i let God choose for me. His ways are higher than Man, amen? since im in PEZ A ill flow along with it.
but oh man... i didnt want to be in a post where i cannot attend church.
im praying for HM7 already. because simply.... its wonderful to be away at camp.
yeah its a year away. but hey.... never too early to start early. hallelujah.
one last thing:
when i first came to NCC... i once heard Amy and desmond discuss friendships.
amy said kingdom friendships are forever.
desmond feels that friends do have a season.
perhaps....
my life seems to be filled with only seasonal friends...
everyone that i came into contact with... i lost contact with.
not for a lack of trying to maintain it mind you.
i just wonder WHY?
there are people i know still keep in contact with their primary schoolfriends!
when i didnt know Jesus.... i lamented my loss of friendships..
it hurt to tell you the truth... but im used to it... hallelujah!
are friendships seasonal?
kingdom friendships last forever... that i know. that i believe.
but here on earth?
can none of my friendships last forever?
even in NCC.... ill say this truthfully: i dont exactly have a clique. neither do i have bosom buddies.
all i seem to do is flit from circle of friends to circle of friends. chit chat here... run away... chit chat there run away.... in this aspect... i know more people than i normally would in such a short amount of time.
but i cant seem to be able to keep them either....
recently... it only hit home how friends do seem to have a season.
i read somewhere once:
people/friends are here for a season, a reason, or for a lifetime.
maybe..... maybe.....
even coach has a buddy that he always speaks fondly of.
i can only speak fondly of Jesus.
not that im complaining....
but there just seems to be no one... that i can become close to.
its like... everyone seems to be having their own friends or too different for me.
i dont know.. i THINK too much.
YHWH Shaloam (Judges 6:24)
The-Lord-is-Peace.
the Lord does not give you peace.
He IS Peace.
i didnt use to like to take photos.
not really.
not of myself or of people.
im still abit iffy about myself...
but at least im warming up to taking photos with people.
i just never wanted to appear in photos for reasons of my own.
but nowadays.... i realise that photos can contain so much.
there are more than just images.
they contain memories intact and nostalgia aplenty!
that... when i look at these photos. im reminded that i was there. alive and well and living unto God. not only of camp. but other places too.
im no camwhore. but am running out of space on my laptop. haha have to get an external harddisk soon i think. and my disk drive is damaged.
im not sure how....
that needs repairing too....
oh Jesus....
i feel better speaking it out now.
its good to SPEAK LIFE.
anyywa... my laptop disk drive is.... kaput!
hallelujah!
i cant burn CDS!
oh man... and i promised i would give out HM6ix photo CDS on sunday.
better start praying!
i typed one whole long blog post and now its gone...
oh chey. nvm, type a new one
lolz....
nvm... just flow and dont argue.
nothing can MAKE me angry... because nothing MADE me.
only God made me, fearfully and wonderfull He made me (=
when a tornado comes, the oak tree says: I am strong and mighty; I've lived a long sturdy life, I will resist this tornado that comes against me.
and he is blown down.
but the grass of the land says: we're as multitude as the sand on the shore; we're as pliable (flexible) as circumstances allow, we will flow with the this tornado that comes agianst us.
and the grass are not blown away.
hallelujah.
flow people flow!
Above All
Above all powers, above all kings.
Above all nature and all created things.
Above all wisdom and all the ways of Men.
You were here before the world began.
Above all kingdoms, above all thrones.
Above all wonders the world has ever known.
Above all wealth, and treasures of the earth.
There's no way to measure what You're worth.
Crucified, laid behind the stone.
You lived to die, rejected and alone.
Like a rose, trampled on the ground.
You took the fall and thought of me.
this is such a touching song.
a truly inspired song....
Jesus.... You're not just Lord above that can be named...
Your love is above all.
I need You so badly in my life. nothing else compares. all else fails. even the ways of Men. even MY ways fall away before Your beauty.
yesterday.... i was talking to Jesus and this is what happened:
me: Why don't You speak to me as You them?
He: You only THINK I don't speak to you. When you quieten down, then you hear me so clearly.
me: but You sound different.
He: It is not I that is different. I'm the same yesterday, today and forever. it is your consciousness of me that has changed.
me: I just never want to be away from You again.
He: I know.. (=
Jesus never changes.
but my consciousness of Him has. that sometimes... i don't even realise that He is with me. He is forever with me.
how can He leave me?
He and I are one Spirit.
We're together.
There is no I without Him.
and without me, He wouldn't.
Jesus once said: that my joy may remain in you always.
what is that in context of?
that before that verse... He spoke of the Father's Love.
Everytime i'm down and out... I look up to the Heavens and think of the Love Jesus showed me on the cross. and I'm comforted.
i'm never alone.
im so fucking pissed off now.
just now on the bus one of those crazy old fooks ripped my ipod earphones out of my ear.
and the fucking earpiece is loose now
its still working.... but its jiggly loose...
FUCKING HELL!
i feel as if my ipod got raped and i couldnt do anything.
im bound by SINGAPORE LAW.
LAW LAW LAW
everything is a fucking LAW!
all the time i could feel my soul rising in anger and i feel like striking him down.
i could have killed him. tortured him and watch him die in agony.
as all the ghosts of my past did to me, i could have suffered it all unto him.
but all i could think of was... "no.... no..... that was the past"
when i got off the bus... i started to mutter in tongues. not even pray you know. just mutter angrily.
i mean... fuck what else can i do?
i cant curse him. all i can say is, "may God bless your soul, and have mercy on you."
but fuck.... even my prayer sounded like im casting spells.
so deep and low and gutteral and daemonic sounding.
and im thinking... "GOD YOU SURE IM PRAYING IN TONGUES? I SOUND LIKE IM PRAYING FOR HIM TO BE CURSED. HOW DO I KNOW IM NOT CURSING HIM?"
but deep down in the Holy Spirit, I knew this: that Jesus's ministry is forever according to the Order of Melchizedek; He who ever blesses and never curses and so does His Spirit.
but i still feel so terrible...
Lord You tell me...
WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BEING RIGHTEOUS IF NOTHING RIGHT HAPPENS?
HOW CAN THE GHOST OF WHO I WAS RISE UP TO POISON ME?
HOW CAN SOMETHING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH YOU ARISE AND POISON ME?
HOW CAN IT BE....?
I THOUGHT I LEFT THAT ALL BEHIND.
A LIFE WHERE I ATTRACT ALL KINDS OF SUAY ASSHOLES.
..... i thought i left it all behind......
i know i know...
i once told jolene at HM6ix: will nothing bad ever happen to us? (in response to her question of am i ok?)
GOD DIDN'T SAY NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US.
BAD THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO US.
BUT GOD IS THERE TO TURN IT AROUND.
HOW CAN I WHO FREELY DISPENSES TRUTH.... be like this...?
i know i know... Jesus you dont even have to say: no man is perfect otherwise they might as well be You.
why....?
i just want to know why...?
why did i become as a ghost of my past?
A Spirit of Vengeance, seething with Anger?
why....?
i just wanted to curse him: that i'll see you in hell one day.
why why why?
how could You allow anyone to have hurt me so?
i know i know... You dont have to tell me.
the same reason i wasn't healed of my voice in camp.
yes i was heavily disappointed.
how can i not?
everyone was busy shouting and cheering and praising you.
and all i could do was dance and raise my arms and emit a sexy husky: He's the Lord of All...
no im being sarcastic.
IF GOD DIDN'T, WOULD I STILL LOVE HIM?
this was the question that stuck in my mind.....
if He didn't restore me... would I still love Him...?
Can i still trust Him....?
on the bus back to SG, steve said: even if i didn't know the chords i still tried to play guitar during the impromptu praise and worship on the coach.
was that really a heart of worship?
all i could think of was this:
if i cant play guitar, ill play bass
if i cant play bass, ill sing
if i have no voice, ill dance
if i cant dance, ill raise my hands
if i cant raise my hands, ill raise my head and look to the Heavens
if i cant raise my head, ill lift my heart to the Lord
if my heart fails me.... i know then that its time to meet Him
Jesus... i dont care about anything else in this world.
if i attach my heart to anything in this world,
im hurt.
i'll disown everything, throw down everything, forget all my troubles just to come to Your throne. just to sit at Your feet and rest my head upon Your lap. just to hear You sing to me, and whisper how You loved me even before I was born. just to see You smile at me, just to feel Your hug.
When i attach my heart to You..... i'm never hurt. i'm never disappointed.
yes Lord... i can answer You now:
I'm never disappointed.
in fact, I'm never more pleased to be with You.
If i never fell.... If You never sent me through the wilderness... how can I love You?
I cannot love someone whom I cannot see.
but I can love someone who I know is there by my side.
How can someone I never met love me?
Unless He has been with me from the start... all the time and I never knew.
If You never sent me through the wilderness... then You do not love me enough.
If I never fell.... You can never pick me up.
If I lived a perfect life... there is no glory for Your goodness to shine.
my heart longs to see You.
my heartaches to see You.
all my life.... I've searched long and hard for a love that cannot be, but is.
pastor prince once shared that God feels loved when we tithe. im not going to go into debating that. thats true.
but there are other ways too.
its about the language of love.
i once did a quiz... on the languages of love.
5 Languages of Love
Total A - Words of Affirmation: 6
Total B - Quality Time: 11
Total C - Receiving Gifts: 2
Total D - Acts of Service: 6
Total E - Physical Touch: 5
HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR PROFILE SCORE
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bilingual (you have two primary love languages). If the scores of your primary language and your secondary language are close (for example, 10 and 9 respectively), it indicates both are important to you. Whatever your spouse does to express love in either of these languages will get emotional points with you. The highest score for any one love language is 12.
Having a clear picture of your primary and secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior. Think back over the past and ask yourself, "What have I most often requested from my spouse?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary and secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love. Your requests, however, might have come across as nagging or criticizing and thus driven your spouse away.
Quality time is most important to me.
QUALITY time. not time.
some people spend time with one another but theres no love. cause its TIME spent. not QUALITY time spent.
and that....
i'm joyful to know that He who loves me... Jesus loves me and is always by my side. that He never leaves me, nor forsakes me, nor condemns me.
on the 1st night of HM6ix that was what happened to me....
i felt so condemned... that i didnt feel like celebrating jolene's birthday.
i wont say why.
but i dont want to spoil what others are planning.
it just goes to show that we, with our self-efforts cannot produce anything.
but Jesus can.
as Pastor Joshua once shared: Jesus wants to live His life through us. not we live our life for Him.
that was one of the most powerful revelations i ever heard.
that i looked up to the Heavens and said: Lord, You love her. This is her birthday. The day you decreed she be born. You, not only us, are full of joy for her this day. You love her... so love her through me.
and at least for the duration of the celebration there was a restraint. praise the Lord... there is no other way i know of where upon i can love others... unless to take a step back and let Jesus do the work.
but afterwards when i was alone again.... i felt oppressed and i poured out my heart and tears to the Lord.
when i left my hotel room, i bumped into coach lewis who asked why am i crying.
i didnt have anything to say so i just smiled and said nothing...
went to meet the others but was half-dead from fatigue.
then we returned to our rooms and again bumped into coach lewis. same place: right outside our room. supernatural huh...?
but this time spoke something and again i received another powerful revelation.
1. context
2. storing revelations
its one thing to pour out all my revelations. then who listens?
but i rather speak ONE revelation that edifies someone then share 10,000 revelations that edifies no one. just as Paul would rather speak 5 words of understanding than 10,000 words in tongues.
its not i dont want to share. but the time is not right for me to share yet.
but after camp... i finally found the answer i desired.
the Lord is ploughing my heart.
my heart is like soil, and the Lord's Word is like a seed.
to be planted in the soil, the soil must first be softened by being ploughed.
if my heart is too hard, then may the Lord soften it by ploughing it.
and we know ploughing isn't exactly fun for the soil.
i doubt i would have received so much... if my heart wasn't softened beforehand.
i thank the Lord for considering me even to the minor details.
if i say that the bad thing happened to me, then I confess that a good thing is coming.
if i say the wilderness is barren, then i confess that it is being ploughed by the Lord and waiting to be planted with goodly seeds.
in any case.... ill share till here.
more nxt time.
tml is my NS medical checkup.
no work. good. who wants to go out?
better now (=
in my life... i may face alot of rejection and loneliness....
but the Lord is by my side.
beacuse You are by my side, i have a reason to smile.
i have no other one to turn to....
on the 2nd day of camp.... when pastor was ministering... something.
cant remember what praise God.
but i only remember that i went forth... and the leader, dont know who prayed over me, and laid hands on me and said: "The Lord will never leave me nor forsake you. the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you."
and he kept repeating this over and over again. and its as if Jesus is saying those words to my ears; i heard them so LOUDLY in my ears.
and in my heart just before i came forth: i kept crying out... Lord i've nobody to turn to. i've nobody to turn to. i've nobody left in my life anymore. there's nobody here, nobody.
and wow... Jesus just filled up all the cracks of my broken heart.
mmmpph... cant remember if i was slain. maybe i was. i only remember that when i arose, i had a sense of consciousness i never had before.
that i dont just KNOW He is by my side.
i don't just FEEL He is by my side.
but my soul is CONSCIOUS HE is by my side.
I'm never alone again...
never never never.
when im down, He's by my side.
when im crying, He's by my side.
when im laughing, He's by my side.
when im dancing for joy, He's by my side.
when i play the guitar, He's by my side.
when i sleep, He's by my side.
He will never leave me nor forsake me, nor condemn me.
never.... never.....
i was just considering the youths on the way to work.
and i'm just so proud of my God.
that He is surely raising up the youths.
whether in dare or campus... wonderful things are happening amongst them.
how great is our God!
wahahaha!
broken hearts, broken minds, He mends them all.
out of hopeless situations He raises champions and mighty men.
we'll the benjamin generation!
and we're gonna plunder hell to add to the treasuries of Heaven!
hallelujah!
even unto myself, the Lord my God has done a marvelous work in me (=
yet not I, but He that works.
thank you Lord!
we're historymakers!!
i thank You Lord for I have surely found grace in Your sight.
Undeserved, Unearned, Unmerited favour in Your sight.
I pray for a heart of Moses, heart of David, and a heart of Caleb.
I pray to find even more Favour in Your sight,
for that thing means more to me than anything that I can ever find in this world.
Strengthen my resolve and not give way to youthful passions,
but be led by the Spirit and walk by faith,
not by my sight nor by my foolishness.
In Jesus's name i pray amen!
You're the God of all my dreams (=
the God of all Comfort and Hope.
(=
ding and sam sleeping
i justfound out sam is from FSV 3rd year. -_- nv knew that.
derrick and his constipated rockstar image
kiajing cgl of... erm. TP?
or NYP. oh no NYP ya NYP.
steve cgl of TP.
great man of God. hah!
derrick and his dont know what that he loves to play on people.
--
waha.. so many more photos.
i realise that i love to take photos at such events.
photos serve to be a reminder.
serves to bring back memories.
why bring back memories?
because God made us to have emotions, to be feeling creatures.
not cold impassive robots.
but to feel for one another.
and seeing such photos brings back a rush of fondness of camp and the camaderie that we all shared as brothers and sisters in Christ.
no man is an island.
no man is born to be alone.
yeah... though i may fall and try to isolate myself,
i thank my God that His love and grace serves to bring me back into the sheepfold.
im never lost, for the Lord is my shepherd and He strives to always bring me back to His side.
---
ok another series of photos:
christmas party NP A at Jolene's house, ahem Deacon Matthew's house.
Rachel's present from jolene
charlene's present is a cd.
mmmm
my present is zombie chew sweet
larry got some memo pad
and oriel got some handmade bottle with a candy cane in it.
obbiously made by a girl.
jane and my brothers gift
amanda and her comic book.. from rachel i think.
ryan and larry's last minute gift.
he seems so happy to get such a toy. boys never grow up. they just grow bigger.
jolene and her goodness-knows-what
my brother got a precious gift of 3 bottles of mineral water.
best gift of the day - jingyi trying to unwrap ryan's present. where he wrapped about two newspapers and lots of wrapping paper worth of presents.
and shes like tearing and tearing the endless supply of paper. wahahha!
watch as the package grows smaller but still wrapped.
yeah two packets of eno.
wooo...
waahhaha
and last but not least: ramona who got my earring gifts
and now for the other happenings in the party:
the glam and not so glam:
me
rachel
jolene reading to the kids
jane and amanda
charlene and oriel
jolene's little brother who entertained us
my brother, ryan, and larry
group photo! NP A!
the cake
bok and i
NP A parting shot!
we rock the heavens and the earth
its been such a blessed year.
if i were to count my blessings, they would be as multitude as the sand running across the shore, as multitude as the dust that settles upon the earth, and as endless as the stars that shine at night.
during HM6ix, besides celebrating the birthday of Jesus... it was another special point in my life. that while we were all singing, dancing and partying in the House of God, there was a point when i was so overwhelmed by His Presence that i looked upon with tears in my eyes and whispered: "happy one-year anniversary Jesus."
its been a year since i'm married to Jesus.
and seriously... life has never been the same! (=
im never the same again either (=
my path can only shine brighter and clearer, as the light of the dawn rises and shines brighter and clearer unto the perfection of the noonday sun, so will i arise and possess the land set before me!
as eagles arise and soar towards the sun, so do i soar and gravitate towards the glory of my Savour (=
Jesus!