Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine a light in and
let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and
let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king

Psalm 33:2-3
"2 Praise the LORD with the harp;
. Make melody to Him with an instrument of ten strings.
3 Sing to Him a new song;
. Play skillfully with a shout of joy."

hanyuen
np>fms>mcm
newcreationchurch>campus>npAnointed

I am
[HIGHLY FAVOURED]
χαριτόω
charitoō

[DEEPLY LOVED]
ἀγάπη
agapē

[GREATLY BLESSED]
εὐλογέω
eulogeō

-7:43 pm

whatever lar ok? fuckhead bitch, take a joy in putting me down right?

head.ache.ass.hole.

i.hate.this.world.and.its.people.

whatever lar. fucking dickhead. WOULD YOU BE FUCKING HAPPY IF IM IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL? WOULD YOU GO :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D THEN YOU FUCKERS?

go to hell all of you. no hell is too good for you assholes.

---

today i found out what people thought of me.
i seem to have garnered a reputation for being "a loner"....

well issit my fault?

i wonder. people, sometimes pple whom you think are loners, do they become that by choice? were they born and then they declared to the nurses, "hey pretty babe, ima gonna become a loner yeah?" i mean come on!! sometimes those poor folks are loners not by choice but by circumstance.

not for me. i didnt choose my path. i ended up this way, i guess its half-half. it took a lot of effort to place my trust into a few people.

but in the end, it all came to naught.

i wonder why am i still so stupid as to trust people? fuck them.

people=shit remember?

the only reason im born is to fight till i died.


i had a dream once. it was sweet. i would be born, to fight and fight. untill one day, i meet someone stronger than me. he will kill me. beat me to the ground. and then it would all end.

but no... somehow i wasnt born that way. im born half- a freak. with fugly eyebrows, fugly nose, fugly mouth, fugly hands, fugly body and musculature, fugly brain, fugly heart. fugly everything.

and no im not angry at the person who said ima loner. in that one out of a million chance that person stumbles unto my boring and unread blog.

THANK YOU WORLD!

ok what the fuck am i writing? what the fuck am i doing?

....... nvm this is more impt, brain think: think... oh yes... (so many thoughts in my head... argh...)erm... what? damn i lost my thought... oh yes. mental illnesses are scary. but dont shun those afflicted. only shun the dangerous ones. and and... erm... that trust thing abt a few persons. thats true also. and...... thats all i think. yeah the loner part. am i loneR?


-1:23 pm

you arent alone. you have more people to care for you, listen to you. you are surrounded on two sides by two sides. why do you shun them? you have PEOPLE. what have i?

in comparison,

i stand alone. i stood alone. i hate it when people come tell me "you should talk to people more" well.. what have i been doing? singing songs? making miming gestures with my mouth? catching flies? im bitter inside. my guilt and a host of other negative emotions have made this boy bitter. far far before he even reaches 'adulthood'.

im really so caught up in me emotions. im living just to pass the day. just to watch the sun end its fiery march across the sun. just to step through into the night where i can be even more alone. other times im running away. from everything. but no matter how far or fast i run. my past always comes back to haunt me. in my thoughts. constantly whirring away.

everytime i use the word 'you'. but really im talking about me. because who else can it be? im talking to myself. through my blog. how sad is that?

therefore, I. it is I. I fettered myself. I buried myself under this mountain of guilt and misguided anger. I made myself into this... didnt I?

i... i didnt want to become this. with hardly anybody to turn to. its so hard to speak. its so difficult to find the energy to bounce. i whispered too much. im still whispering. but its like nobodycan hear. do i want them to? its I again... whisper whisper whisper to the wind.

heh...

still you are truly blessed. (no this time its not me) but would you open your eyes? and see it the world through tear-washed eyes? your world isnt as dark. isnt. and shouldnt.

what am i saying. will nothing (or nobody) resolve this guilt? whatever. whatever.


-10:20 am

my teeth hurt. or actually my gums. my right wisdom tooth is growing out.

my lower back hurts.

my left knee hurts sometimes.

damn....

and my head hints at a recent major headache.


-8:46 am

had smth to say.

forget it.

not like anyone cares what im typing.

coz photos speak a thousand words.

yet i cant seem to take proper shots.

whatever.


-9:52 pm


the cake. as you cannot see, its chocolate. and its mousse. and its very light. and its by breadtalk. ok that you can see.
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-9:51 pm


just starting to light the candles. my brother's gonna be 16. woo.
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-9:51 pm


putting on the final flames....
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-9:51 pm


the cake fully lighted...
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-9:50 pm


while singing and clapping....
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-9:49 pm


the end of the 'celebrations' after my brother blew out the candles.
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-6:36 pm

blogger hates me lar. im having lots of probs with it.

anyway my hair totally sucks nowadays. haiiz i miss my beautiful long black hair. i miss the straightness... now my fringe is really curly and the ends are split and dry. its all cause of that fucking hair dye. people! never dye your hair!


-5:09 pm

i think... too much. one thought can send off a whole chain.

took a walk today. it seems that town and downtown are all really close to one another.

ive walked from national library to PS. today its national library to funan. if you can walk to funan, you can bloody hell walk to esplanade. and consequently, suntec and marina square.

marina square reminds me of millenia walk. theres a hairstyling shop there : hair-itage. bloody expensive place. men's cut = $40. children $20. and guess what? one of my cousin (maternal side) goes to that place for hair cuts. and he is going primary school soon. wow. people! would you send your child to a place to cut hair for $20?

thinking like this brings me back to marina square. that place is under renovation and presumable still is. and then theres a carl's jr there. and that place's burgers are bigger than my hand. which means a huge mess. haha... everytime i eat there its bound to be messy. and theres free internet access. copying macs seh....

and mac vs. carl's jr. ill pick the latter. the food tastes better. but its so bloody exp. and the toliet there is weird. in fact, lots of 'new' 'modern' toliets nowadays are weird. PS, J8, wisma, whereever. in a bid to create that 'cool' toliet with the 'male' 'female' drawing, they sacrificed pragmatism.

some toliets are bloody stupid because the door opens and then tada! you can see the urinals all lined up in a row. wtf? wtf architects? whats wrong with you people???? cant you build a toliet with the bloody urinals inside deeper? must it be so open and airy?

and whats with those new-fangled designs that are supposed to blow your hands dry? all i see inside is pubic hair. i cannot imagine the horrors men must have felt when the neighbourhood ah pek thought its a fun tool and starts to use it the wrong way.

and that reminds me of bugis. i hate that place. i hate the toliets there. especially the first floor male toliet beside the shoe shop. because bugis is infested with dirty cheekopeks. freaking dirty old men who will peep at you peeing. and (im not kidding) every single damned time i go pee, there will be an old man trying to peep at me. im so freaked out i dont dare to enter. so i try out the toliet at the upper levels right? and OM, theres a gay guy ,wearing even uglier earrings then me and a tight red shirt. so gay boy tries to chat with me and im like, "gross, go away!"

brrr..... even the toliets at the edge are bad. i mean. the edge. where the young hang out? so whats old men doing there? i tell you its a conspiracy.

and and and and i gotta stop thinking so much before i self-destruct.

somebody give me some work to do. i am workable.

PS, these are my most mundane thoughts. and they form a minor component.


-7:20 pm

i feel so sad abt that js. totally doesnt even want to keep in contact. whatever then.


-8:21 am

haiiz... i want to convert to christianity. but i dont want to anyhow do it. my sister has alrdy converted. whether she changed or not is debatable. -_-'

anyway.... like i was saying, its so confusing. so many churches with different DENOMINATIONS. (whatever)

and yet.........

-summer has come and past, the innocent can never last, wake me up when September ends-


-9:03 am

ok this is very interesting.

Huggington post - Bigotry in the name of Jesus

btw according to the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English Online

bigotry = bigoted behaviour or beliefs
bigoted = having such strong opinions about a group of people that you are unwilling to listen to anyone else's opinions


-6:49 am


haha... the first of a series of shots where my father used guilt tactics to get me and my sister to go to a Temple. The Guang Ming San temples has finished renovating since i was just a kid. My father praying.... well... my sister and i tried to tell him that "no.... we dont want to coz we dont believe" but NOOOO... .he wants things his way. so we humoured him. seriously, its more disrespectful to pray with a heart that feels otherwise think you not?
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-6:47 am


Tortoises sunning in the... well... sun. I used to toss vegetables to them when I was just a kid. But well.... things have changed.
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-6:47 am


My mother leading my sister towards the Lift. Lots of places here had "no photo-taking" signs.... Grrr....
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-6:46 am


In the lift going up to the floors where the urns are kept. Turns out my great-grandfather is a cook at a Catholic School. And his son (my grandfather) is a photographer... haha... i doubt i will ever be anything good... /-': my grandfather died four years before i was born. (1983)
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-6:45 am


The way up to the final level. The top level is new and fully air-conditioned. In fact, its so new that there are taking reservations from people. How convenient!
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-6:44 am


My sister. at the doors leading in.
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-6:43 am


The entrance to the Great Hall. Theres a gigantic statue of Lord Buddha inside. This section is very new. Just look how squeaky clean the floor is!
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-6:41 am


A shot of the Great Hall. Its huge. This picture doesnt do it justice. like, HUGE!
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-6:41 am


a sign in the center of the Great Hall.
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-6:38 am


Close-up of a statue of Lord Buddha. (must be respectful due to the Senditions Act! no im just kidding. just show respect to peeps ok?)
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-6:37 am


Just when we were leaving, I took some final shots of the Guang Ming San temple from the upper levels.
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-6:37 am


Closeup of the bell-shaped structures. hmm.....
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-6:36 am


Another angle.
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-6:36 am


A shot of the new extension from the Great Hall.
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-7:25 pm

so dark...
wish i could get that "goth" and "celtic valour" and "dragon blade" t-shirt.
and while im at dreaming why not that "kingmaker" and "dragonskull" ring?
haha and a "dragonring" choker and and the Evenstar?

i wana buy a red cross stud... but i love my dangly cross earring. i dont care what pple say.

then again maybe i do

but i dont. do i?

boo¬¬ confusing m.e
(@_@)

--------

why then do people dress so weirdly? am i the weird one? or are you people just not used to it. in any case... consider the age-old question : do clothes maketh the man or man maketh the clothes? or perhaps as Heeren puts it : do you wear the clothes or do the clothes wear you? (come shop at heeren! -_-')

i think man maketh the clothes. somehow we do dress the way we feel or the way we are. after all we ARE what we EAT. if you eat shit, you are gonna end up looking like shit. if you feel like dying, you are gonna dress all gothic.

unless you are thinking "oh its so cool!"

whatever people. consider this then : if mainstream music (read - POP) celebrities, their singers, e.g. jolin tsai wear, say, a miniskirt. then teenage girls start wearing that style. then would they be considered weird?

NO. plain and simple. people might even find it cute.

then if say, people dress like Good charlotte or mychemicalromance. would they be called weird? i think some would call them poseurs. trying to act cool. whatever the term they use... but think clearly, arent the two examples the same? dressing to be like your fav stars?

no personally ive got nothing against people who do that. but then there are does who dress in a certain style because they ARE it. they breathe it. they live it.

and that could mean the miniskirts-rulez cutesy gang Q(^-^Q) maybe they are their own culture... but what i mean is my own style.

in a way, perhaps i do want to look like that. but more so, i find its cause i FEEL it. its not to look like mychemicalromance or whatnot. its because i feel so dull and dark and despairing and tormented. i may look like either a deadfish or hyperclown depending on which cycle you catch me at... but ffs.... im not imitating anything.

i dress weirdly, because i AM. rmb? you are what you dress too?
--
as put here aptly:
Radiohead - Creep


But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
(this has nothing to do with the movie Creep i hope... o_O)
--

i am like the hyper-dead or smth. one moment im hyper - i cant stop giggling i cant stop bouncing. the next im flopping abt like deadfish. ill whatever whatever you say.

if i dress weird cause i am weird... then thats me. stop staring ok? i got the attention i want, but not the way i want? whatever. whatever. whatever. head hurts...

just wana end by saying that go ahead and say i look ugly. go ahead say im weird. you just justified me.


-3:28 pm

i cant keep this fucking act up any longer. nothing is gonna make my pain tolerance raise. NOTHING you motherfuckers.

nothing.... its all a black wash of pain and misery.

its just pain. and its not even real. its all inside me. its screaming at me.

dont you get it motherfuckers?

are my essays on depression so crappy that no one understands?

MOTHERFUCKER.




-11:42 am


not so good wallpic. all the below pics were made by me (:
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-11:42 am


Fatal Frame 2 wallpic. this one has my 'name' on it.
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-11:41 am


yup third MCR wallpic.
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-11:41 am


yet another MCR wallpic.
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-11:41 am


MCR wallpic
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-10:36 am


my kitchen front.
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-10:33 am


my living room.
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-10:28 am


yes my house. haiiz i cant seem to get anything right.
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-10:19 am


sometimes i get so weird i even freak myself out.
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-1:22 pm


whoo... black dreams.
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-12:56 pm


Pulau Ubin is full of spirits. not the drink.
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-12:55 pm


if i could i would have taken it from a different angle. but erm yah.
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-12:47 pm


that looks retarded :)
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-12:44 pm


more charcoal
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-12:42 pm


what do you see?
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-12:41 pm


sure won't miss 'em at night
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-12:35 pm


finally the parade is here. but it just zipped by.
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-12:25 pm


yeah i know it sucks to do project on national day.
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-12:08 pm


trying to make a sketchy image. obviously not working. looks more like charcoal. anyway i like the hair texture.
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-11:04 am

hmm to boost blog readership (actually not) ive decided to post old photos of the torture we went through to complete this sem.

in both joy and fury.

so really old photos may come out. do pardon me but we all have been so busy i couldnt process or upload anything. anyhows, please dont kill me if weirdo photos come out.

oh yeah...

---

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook

I'm not okay

I'm okay!
I'm okay, now

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth

I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay


I'm okay, now
(Okay)


-10:37 am


sketchy
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-9:48 am

apparently the 'Singaporean Association of the Visually Handicapped (SAVH)' is in Toa Payoh. and i never knew that!

that would explain why i see their members around the interchange and bus 231 so much.
-_-'

did i mention that TP has the first fully air-conditioned bus interchange in Singapore. unfortunately, work has begun on the second at Ang Mo Kio. on top of that NTUC is planning a hyper-mall beside it.

----

A bangladeshi welder molested three girls... and all he got is 20months (1 year 8 months) and 12 strokes of the cane.

that is terrible! that is not right! and in accordance to the Sendtion Act i shall say nothing about something. but rather something else.

the girls are so young. ranging from 11 to 15. they have so many years ahead of them. but their youth is marred by this isolated incident from a man, nay, a beast.

why? i do not get why molestation charges are so weak in tough-laws Singapore. our anti-drug laws are so tough. kidnapping can carry a death sentence. no demonstrations here. so some law guy tell me why is the law regarding molestation so weak? or rape?

its sensitive yes... some wicked girls might use it to sabo some poor guy. but i think thats a small price to pay.

how about marking sex offenders? like in the US. wont it be easy to catch the repeats then? just look up the list and ring 'em up for ID parade....

i think its terrible that 3 girls = 1 year +
then what... if you go on a molesting spree of 300 girls = 100years?

rubbish!

----

how pathetic. how low these men stoop. if they dont want to act like men, nevermind gentleman because thats like a difficult and rare breed. boo i digressed. anyway... if they dont want to act like men, then surely they are beasts?

im sure every men feel the 'urge (to merge lolz!)' but whatever... issit important?

10 seconds later when the girl has walked away. would it matter as much? would it? ask yourself... is 10seconds of 'fun' for you and 'torture' for the girls worth damning yourself? just use that 10 seconds to walk away. you know whats right and wrong. from 2 years old you know. or 4. depending. but still... you know. dont let your inner primal instincts get the better of you.

----

and the arguement that women dress provocatively blah blah is BS! whats a girl to do besides have fun dressing up. i was having so much fun walking through the topshop section. yes topshop not man. before you get wacky thoughts, i was attracted to this really gothic outfit on display on one of the mannequins. oh the dress was beautfiful... i wish i had been born a girl instead. for many reasons which i shall not state here. and no.. im not gonna go bangkok. since im here as a crummy male, i shall stick to being a crummy male.

but girls have so many dress options and accessories and get to doll up and whatnot. the only prob is those sickening men who think its an excuse to cop a feel. damn them.


-8:25 pm

A feel good quiz by cerulean_dreams
your name is...
your eyes	are dazzling
your hair	is envied by many
your smile	radiates beauty
your body	is elegant and stunning
your hugs	are warm and fuzzy
your kiss	is given only to those who deserve it
your love	is not given likely
Quiz created with MemeGen!

yeah and my hairy pink nipples went to france. whatever man


-11:28 am

well... so funny.

its 1130am on 21st september.

and apparently theres a blogging seminar at NP right now.

i happened (by some strange twist of fate) to pass by talkingcock and then into mrbrown's blog and he was blogging right in LT68E. complete with a photo. zzz

instead of listening to xiaxue he is blogging about the blogging seminar in the LT itself. -_-'


-10:12 am



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-10:00 pm

well i just watched FFAC (Final Fantasy : Advent Children).... its cool.

at least 3 other guys on my msn list had their nicks as quotes from it.

if i had my choice... ill go for
"i... want to be forgiven. yes... i want to be forgiven..."

or

"were we defeated by our memories....?"


-8:36 am

hmm.... i just went somebody's blog. v sad.... shant name names. its sensitive.
but it reminds me of another person's blog. shant name names again. but that guy made me so mad. but oh why do i care? fool.

one is like after. one is during.
nvm

A sad thing in life is, you meet someone who means a lot to you,
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be, and you just have to let go.

yeah.... its v sad... but if things had been just a little different? many times.. we are left wondering 'what COULD have been'... there is no blame in that. but it cuts so deep that.... haiiz...

---

still to that guy(who will never come here anyway):

Losing the person who meant the most in your life is a humbling
experience, yet it is even more humbling if you allow it to run your life.
And forsake all you have been blessed with when you feel like you have
lost your world.

You will always have the looks and jokes and memories. Don't ever
discount how special those things are in your heart and theirs. True love
hurts when it is lost. But an even greater love grows inside you through
realisation. That something better is in the world for both of you.

---

haiiz.. i could go on and on and on...

Friendship is the finest balm for the pangs of a disappointed love.

and i believe he has discovered this. not the influence or drugs or anything.

---

and yet...
Falling in Love
(from the book "Letters to my Son", by Kent Nerburn)

It is a mystery why we fall in love.
It is a mystery how it happens.
It is a mystery when it comes.
It is a mystery why some love grows and it is a mystery why
some love fails.

---

ok.... chill...


-9:51 pm

haiiz... what kind of parents are these?

"can i have $15 buy a new set of headphones?"
NOT BECAUSE I LIKE. NOT BECAUSE I WANT. NOT BECAUSE THE NEXT PHONES ARE PRETTIER. BUT FUCKING BECAUSE THEY ARE SPOILT. S-P-O-I-L-T. i even tried to find the cheapest alternative. nobody appreciates it.
ans : "$15?!? why must i buy it for you? why cant you buy it using your pocket money?"

oh fucker. how about because i still treat you like my father?

ok that one forget it since ive alrdy boughti t using my OWN FUCKING $.

"can i have $7 buy a toothbrush?"
NOT BECAUSE I WANT IT. BUT BECAUSE MY FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH IS SO FUCKING DIRTY. THERE ARE DIRTY BLACK SPOTS THAT STINK LIKE FUCK ON THE TOOTHBRUSH. SO WHEN I BRUSH MY TEETH. MY TEETH GETS DIRTIER AND MY BREATH SMELLIER. WHAT THE FUCK?

ans: "haven i given you pockey money?"

i hate you two fuckers lar. i dont see the point of asking you two anything.
i know I will get rejected. ask you about school project money also cannot. everything cannot. you know whatfuckers?

1. you breed in me a sense of hopelessness. i dont even bother to ask people anything anymore because i feel the answer is a fucking "NO"
2. you breed in me a sense of poverty. i have this feeling i cant fall sick or go see psychologist or any fucking thing.

if i fall into major depression... i wont get access to medicine or anything. ill sit alone in my room cutting myself to ribbons and let my blood flow while you laugh.

if i fall ill, dengue or whatever, ill jsut lie by the roadside and pray. pray that ill be saved by whatevr little grace was given to me... i wont get access to medicine.

you fucking animal. feeding off the stench of my fear and despair.

you and i have nothing to talk about. anymore. i shant ask you. only schoolwork. i shant even bother to ask nicely. im tired.


-8:43 pm

well last i talked about depression it was so general and about others.

i wana type about individuals.

specifically myself.

----

perhaps you wont care. or perhaps you will go "not again!"

whatever.

i have lost much faith in people.

----

depression does feel like a "black cloud of misery". its this constant numbing sadness in the back of our skulls or hearts. it eats into our thoughts. no matter how hard we try to laugh or joke... no matter how many people are surrounding us, friends or foes... there will always be that darkness. this is what it feels like.

now... i know its difficult... but imagine, if you would, a world where every of your smile is actually tinged with poignancy. imagine dark lament hiding at the back of every thought and every laughter that escapes your lips. imagine then... what a depressed person lives with each day.

do you, for any moment, believe their laughter? believe they are happy? believe their "i dont need help lar" comments? if you do... i do not blame you. if you know, and yet choose to ignore, i do not blame you either. i do not kid myself.

many do not wish to be the one to 'care' for the depressed person. its draining on both parties. but if you do not... who will? but thats another story.

----

in any case i hope that people realise the emotional roller-coaster ride that plagues their waking days. heh..... sometimes into the night.

-----

okiex... shall talk about myself next time if im still aliive.


-8:34 pm


oh... who's your daddy?
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-11:53 pm


for some weird inexplicable reason, lynn says my friendster doesnt have this photo. issit true??
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-11:41 pm


gee can you spell f*** off?
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-11:40 pm


its joy! pearl's kitty. who bit lynn .
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-11:38 pm


woof! its poppy! (it is poppy right?)
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-11:36 pm


strange occurences over night sky. is the world ending?
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-2:04 pm

just admit it. no matter what you do.. you just bring pain and misfortune unto others.

people, if you even have any humanity left in you, deserve to die.

i want to. but i cant. its forbidden.

BUT FUCK IT ALL. WHY SUICIDE?


-1:50 pm

im so pissed off. i cant believe my hand got spat on when i was merely just trying to console people.

if you think im as lucky as you think. then tell me why do i feel so alone? tell me why i spent nights listening to music and crying and waiting to kill myself? tell me why do i do the dumbest things? TELL ME you ASSHOLE. many times in life we only focus and remmeber our pain. we refuse to believe others are going through the same shit. we are not UNIQUE in our pain. ive made this mistake too many times.

forget it. it never pays to be a good person. unfortuanately fucking nice-guy genes are embedded in me. i wish it wasnt.. but it is. likely 6 minutes later ill try to be a nice fuck and then get shot down by humans.

and thats fucking because

PEOPLE = SHIT

Artist: Slipknot
Album: Iowa

Here we go again, motherfucker

Come on down, and see the idiot right here
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care
What's the matter with calamity anyway?
Right? Get the fuck outta my face
Understand that i can't feel anything
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay
I feel like a wound, like I got a fuckin'
Gun against my head, you live when I'm dead

One more time, mother fucker

Everybody hates me now, so fuck it
Blood's on my face and my hands, and I
Don't know why, I'm not afraid to cry
But that's none of your business
Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?
Spin it around so i can spit in its face
I wanna leave without a trace
Cuz I don't wanna die in this place

It never stops - you can't be everything to everyone
Contagion - I'm sittin' at the side of Satan
What do you want from me?
They never told me the failure I was meant to be
Overdo it - don't tell me you blew it
Stop your bitchin' and fight your way through it
I'M - NOT - LIKE - YOU - I - JUST - FUCK - UP

C'mon mother fucker, everybody has to die


People = Shit (Whatcha gonna do?)
People = Shit (Cuz I am not afraid of you)
People = Shit (I'm everything you'll never be)
People = Shit


-11:38 am

i used to believe depression wasnt that big a deal. i used to think i would not falter... i wouldnt fall prey to this 'dark cloud of misery' as it has been described as. but now im not so sure.

first off... depression is neither underrated or overrated. it has been misunderstood thats all. people DONT understand depressed people. even if they can identify the illness, even if they understand the signs, they dont understand the people. keyword: PEOPLE. WHY? because it is the people not the depression itself that needs help.

too many times, the focus is on the depression itself. why? think about it. consider that depression IS and illness. its like flu. its like cold. you cant control it. you cant say, "DEPRESSION BE GONE!" its not that simple. so why bother the flu? you wouldnt would you?

please...concentrate on the person him/herself. humans are born with the innate ability to heal themselves. but for the depressed beings, medicine can only go so far. they have to find it within themselves.

my main gripe then is how unsympathetically depressed people are treated. they are viewed as freaks or weirdos or very 'fan' (annoying). i have no idea why they are treated this way. do you really think that it is not serious?

for every suicide case that surives there is one other that didnt make it. so perhaps you should sit up and take note.

depression should be taken seriously. but dont go it alone. if you do... its too tiring. believe me that. dont go it alone, or you will suffer 'burn-outs'. when you too, break down. then it wouldnt be too pretty to have two cases would it? hmm...

----

in conclusion,
1. take depression seriously
2. if you dont want to care for that person, good luck if that person doesnt make it
3. remind yourself and the person its not their (the person's) fault, its the depression
4. dont go it alone

----

wert am i typing anyway? who cares.


-11:10 pm

now i fucking rem why we ended up this way.

well i tried. thats all i can say.


-6:32 am

hello.... i am like standing there?
ok whatever nvm. i would have being more sensitive in the past. but i think after secondary school, part of me died. after poly, the rest of me died.

its not like i didnt do anything.
call out names also no point lar. but then.... like i always said... im anti-social. dont know why but i cant connect with people. cant make them feel real. like i am seeing and talking and FEELING people through tinted or fogged glass.

its like this:

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS

"It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Deathwish"

Hip Hip Hooray for me, you talk to me, but would you kill me in my sleep
lay still like the dead
from the razor to the rosary
we could lose ourselves
and paint these walls in pitchfork red

--------


I will avenge my ghost with every breath I take
I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me
I'm taking back the life you stole

hahaha.... im still dyyyyingggggg

weirdo me. im a freak maaan. wahahahhaa....


-10:06 am

so what? so fucking what? well let me tell you... fuck your old-world politics.

anyway let me use my powers of selective distortion to tell myself that yes i have changed. become more patient. enough, sometimes not (understandably enough), to take crap from my life.

just shut the fuck up and hear me whine.
either that or let me fall......


-1:13 am

am i being bullied?

hmm first of all.... i would define it my situation as a minor yes.
but i do not mind.

first of... its inavoidable.

second i just dont mind. its all in good clean fun. if it brings joy to the world... why not? like i say.. i would give it... if i could. but i cant. i only bring bad luck to people.

even then... there is a limit. be reasonable. thats all i ask. if not... and i start to get angry. better heed the signs. you wont like it im angry. truly angry.

third.... i dont see a point for being angry about. in case people think im a fool, consider that its my choice. and if its a choice, theres obviously knowledge of it going on. i KNOW. and i ALLOW. it doesnt matter to me. like i mentioned above, peace joy and laughter. but here i bring up the point im used to it.

but why me?

like i said, inavoidable. im weird. and weird people get talked about and made fun of. i accept. i know. and i allow.

i just dont want things to get out of hand. things dont get UNRESONABLE or OVERWHELMING and everything is ok. just not too much.

----

on a more serious issue... i think i am too nice to people also.
heh... that again, is up to the individual...
but consider these
1. i dont shout first. i defend. and even then, i just keep quiet.
2. i listen to people. im not listening because i humour them or anything. i listen because i find that everyone has a different set of defined or undefined problems that weigh differntly to people.

if i say my hair sucks, you might say, "hello? you think you are a superstar? so vain!" in this case, the hair problem is of a mightier importance to me than the other guy. its not the problem, its how its significant to the other, and you wont know unless you take the time to listen and understand.

people who are suicidal are like this.

anyway im being sidetracked by my insanely random mind.

----

im gonna go sleep.
its being hell.
and i CAN safely say that about myself.

remember... not too much, not too unreasonable and lets all have good clean fun

*dont touch my hair. period.*


-12:55 pm

i have no idea how i found it. but i did.

and listening to him was.... amazing to say the least.

at first i couldnt stand it. speech so fast. voice as weird as me. but somehow.... i listened on.

guilt.ashamed.i.what.am.i.bitching.about?
how.am.i.to.live.that.high?
fear.hope.redemption.


-12:27 pm

hmm..... emptiness filling me.

and everyone.

....... what can i say? ........... one long confusing trip .............


-10:29 pm

stupid me.... losing my head in the library.

dont be a poseur. or maybe thats me. i dont believe you are as EMO as that. i dont believe you are breaking apart into pieces. why do i even care?


-7:54 am


MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, THE USED LYRICS

"Under Pressure"

Pressure!

Pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

That's okay!
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Scream "Let me out!"
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets


Chippin' around
Kick my brains round the floor
These are the days
It never rains but it pours

Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love give love give love?
Give love give love give love give love give love?

Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our ways
Of caring about ourselves

This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure

Under pressure
Under pressure

-bless you-

What is advertising?

1. paid, non-personal
2. communication form
3. identified sponor using mass media
4. persuade/influence audience

Types of ads (9)
1. Brand - National
2. Retail - Local/restricted aread
3. Political - votes
4. Direct-response - sales directly
5. Directory - e.g. yellow pages
6. B to B - business to business; industries/professionals to advertiser's products
7. Institutional/Corporate - co. image
8. PSA - public service
9. Interactice - websites, etc.

Roles:
1. Marketing - marketing mix (4 'P's) to carry persuasive messages to customers
2. Communication - formation /placement of target persuasive messages
3. Economic
- assess value
- decrease product switching for price reasons (nonprice decisions)
4. Society - +ve/-ve

Functions :
1. information
2. incentives
3. reminders

Advertising starts with
1. Advertiser
2. Agency
3. Media
4. Buyer/Vendor
5. Audience

in the beginning, there was
1. the Age of Print - newspapers classifieds
2. Industrial Revolution and EMERGENCE OF CONSUMER SOCIETY - advertise to widely dispersed market
3. Modern Advertising : Agencies, Science and Creativity - organisations specialising
4. Accountability Era : ads should produce RESULTS



--fuck lar-- too much to--study--


-10:43 pm

so sorry to waste your time.
study groups that are too large are counter-productive!
haha...

anyway just chill.... i lost my 'squirly' button... the one beside number1. it has a name but i forgot... haiiz my lappy becoming a dinosaur also.

--how shiok to toss the MRM notes aside--

great being concentrating so much on MRM that forgot advert. how am i to study 12 chapters in a day?


-9:33 pm

OM.... My Chemical Romance and The Used recorded and sang a song together!! yeah! both bands rock!

My Chemical Romance and The Used - Under Pressure


-8:36 pm

Hypothesis Testing

no time left, must make this super short

Hypotheses
1. provide direction
2. eliminate trial and error
3. removes confounding variables
4. allows for quantification

+

it should be
1. compatible with current knowledge
2. logically consistent
3. succint
4. testable

+

BUUUUUUUUUUUT

if H0=true, then H1=false, and vice versa,
Popper's Notion of Falsifiability states that we should test the H0 instead
because its much easier to test the NULL HYPOTHESIS.

The Notion = measure with H0 in mind, to come to a conclusion about the H1.

What is H0 (NULL HYPOTHESIS)?
-aka Hypothesis of No Difference.
-implies there is NO relationship between variables + differences are due to random error

----

Probability Levels

- aka significance level/alpha level
- set to 95%, or 0.05

Two tests...
1. Two-tailed
2. One tailed

1. Two-tailed
- since it goes both ways, the sf lvls of 5% is spilt into 2.5%
- the tails go into -ve and +ve directions for 2.5%
- the total graph goes to 100%, with 50% into -ve and +ve
- meaning that one side, e.g. -ve side, has a total of 50%, but a REGION OF RETENTION of 47.5% (50-2.5)

*we use two-tailed when we have little information about research area
- since we have little info, we want to cover a bigger area, so we go TWO-TAILED

2. One-tailed
- 100% in one direction, ie, +ve
- REGION OF RETENTION is 95% wheareas REGION OF REJECTION is 5%

---

Error

Present in all research

Two types of Error

1. Type 1 : when truth is rejected (a true NULL HYPOTHESIS is rejected)
2. Type 2 : when falseness is accepted (a false NULL HYPOTHESIS is accepted)

---- moving on

Non-parametric Statistic

- for NO data (Nominal and Ordinal)

two types:
1. Chi-square "Goodness of Fit" test
2. Contigency Table of Analysis (Cross-tabs)

1. Chi-square
- simply shows relationship between EXPECTED/OBSERVED frequencies
- represented by X2(squared- just imagine lar)
- tests for ONE variable

when we have calculated X2, we can do a "goodness-of-fit" test,
a GOF test is an extension of X2,
it determines the significance of difference in aforementioned frequencies

1. probability level (significance level) needed
2. degrees of freedom (df) needed
- df = how many variables can be changed? e.g. if i have variables 1,5,7 and 5,7 can be changed then my df is 2.

---

2. Contigency Table of Analysis
- extension of "goodness-of-fit" test
- tests TWO or more variables

--

Correlational Statistics

*here cock up siah. its listed as parametric in TB i think.. but here... *Shrugs*

-How are the two interval-level variables linearly related to one another, ie, if one goes up, what about the other?

1. Unrelated
2. Linear
-+ve
--ve
3. Curvilinea
-goes up together then one falls

-----

Pearson's Product-Moment Correlation (Pearson's R)

shows
1. strength
2. direction
of relationship

Range of r is from -1.0 to +1.0

*impt*
1. strength is shown by number, not direction (positivity)
therefore, -0.92 is stronger than +0.42
2. -1.0 is therfore = perfect negative correlation and +1.0 = perfect positive correlation

r { 0.4 - weak
0.4r } 0.7 - very strong--

-12:42 pm

List of authors and their dates

1. Stanley Milgram's Experiment on "Obedience and Individual Responsibility" (1965)
- appeared in Research Ethics

2. Philip Zimbardo's Prison Experiment (1971)
- appeared in Research Ethics

3. Popper's Notion of Falsifiability (n.d.)
- measure with Null hypothesis in mind and then come to a conclusion about the research hypothesis (Don't test the research hypothesis, instead test the null hypothesis)
- appeared in Hypothesis Testing, Chi-square, and Correlations

4. Flesch Reading Ease Formula (1948)
- systematic selection of 100 words + no. of syllables + average no. of words per sentence
- appeared in Research in Print Media

5. Gunning's Fog Index (1952)
- systematic selection of 100 words + only words with 3/more syllables + average no. of words per sentence
- appeared in Research in Print Media

6. Cloze Procedure (1953)
- 250-300 word passage + replace every 5th word with blank
- appeared in Research in Print Media

7. SMOG (Simple Measure of Gobbledygook) (1969)
- 10 consecutive sentences from START, MIDDLE, END + 3/more syllable words
- appeared in Research in Print Media

8. Kippax and Murray (1979)
- Ratings show what people are doing, not what they want, or the quality of the programmes
- Appeared in Research in Electronic Media

9. Leckenby's ASMAR (1984)
- Advertising Stimulus Measurement And Research
- Appeared in Research in Advertising and PR

10. Deaux and Wrightsman (1988)
- evidence supports a relationship between media violence and aggression
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

11. Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory (year unknown)
-media observed behaviours will be imitated and result in consumption
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

12. Piaget's Cognitive Development Theory (year unknown)
- children go through stages in set pattern; exploitable by advertising for commericial gains
AGE:
1. 3-5
-cannot differentiate ads
2. 6-8
-can identify ads but not the commercial motive
3. 9<
-basic understanding of purpose of ads

- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

13. Tan (1985)
- media cultivation/enculturation research shows that media affects conceptions of social reality, not our attitudes and behaviours
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

14. Littlejohn (1992)
- culture is homogenised and marginalised by Television over time
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

15. Gerbner's Media Cultivation hypotheses (year unknown)
- the more time one watches TV, the more likely one's conceptions of social reality are like TV portrayals
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

16. Cohen's Agenda Setting Theory (1963)
- Media does not tell us what to think, but rather what to think ABOUT
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

17. Iyengar & Simon (1993)
- Framing Analysis, aka, a second level of Agenda Setting
- media impacts perspective with 'spins'
- e.g. if TV spun stories stating how strong Singapore's army is, and War comes to our shores, people will think our Army can fight back
- credits to he ning for pointing out i missed the hunter who shot Bigfoot


------

List of Authors in Chronological Order:

1.Flesch Reading Ease Formula (1948)
- systematic selection of 100 words + no. of syllables + average no. of words per sentence
- appeared in Research in Print Media

2.Gunning's Fog Index (1952)
- systematic selection of 100 words + only words with 3/more syllables + average no. of words per sentence
- appeared in Research in Print Media

3.Cloze Procedure (1953)
- 250-300 word passage + replace every 5th word with blank
- appeared in Research in Print Media

4.Cohen's Agenda Setting Theory (1963)
- Media does not tell us what to think, but rather what to think ABOUT
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

5.Stanley Milgram's Experiment on "Obedience and Individual Responsibility" (1965)
- appeared in Research Ethics

6.SMOG (Simple Measure of Gobbledygook) (1969)
- 10 consecutive sentences from START, MIDDLE, END + 3/more syllable words
- appeared in Research in Print Media

7.Philip Zimbardo's Prison Experiment (1971)
- appeared in Research Ethics

8.Kippax and Murray (1979)
- Ratings show what people are doing, not what they want, or the quality of the programmes
- Appeared in Research in Electronic Media

9.Leckenby's ASMAR (1984)
- Advertising Stimulus Measurement And Research
- Appeared in Research in Advertising and PR

10.Tan (1985)
- media cultivation/enculturation research shows that media affects conceptions of social reality, not our attitudes and behaviours
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

11.Deaux and Wrightsman (1988)
- evidence supports a relationship between media violence and aggression
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

12.Littlejohn (1992)
- culture is homogenised and marginalised by Television over time
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

14. Iyengar & Simon (1993)
- Framing Analysis, aka, a second level of Agenda Setting
- media impacts perspective with 'spins'
- e.g. if TV spun stories stating how strong Singapore's army is, and War comes to our shores, people will think our Army can fight back
- credits to he ning for pointing out i missed the hunter who shot Bigfoot

others:
1.Popper's Notion of Falsifiability (n.d.)
- measure with Null hypothesis in mind and then come to a conclusion about the research hypothesis (Don't test the research hypothesis, instead test the null hypothesis)
- appeared in Hypothesis Testing, Chi-square, and Correlations

2.Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory (year unknown)
-media observed behaviours will be imitated and result in consumption
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

3.Piaget's Cognitive Development Theory (year unknown)
- children go through stages in set pattern; exploitable by advertising for commericial gains
AGE:
1. 3-5
-cannot differentiate ads
2. 6-8
-can identify ads but not the commercial motive
3. 9<
-basic understanding of purpose of ads

- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

4.Gerbner's Media Cultivation hypotheses (year unknown)
- the more time one watches TV, the more likely one's conceptions of social reality are like TV portrayals
- Appeared in Research in Media Effects

-10:44 am

Logitudinal Research

- aka time series
- examines communication phenomea as they shift and change over time



3 types :
1. Cohort Analysis
2. Trend Studies
3. Panel Studies

Cohort analysis

- a study of some characteristic of 1/more cohorts measured at 1/more pts in time
- examines specific population: those born in a designated eraas they change over time

Advantages :
1. flexible
2. maturation/social change
Disadvantages :
1. Effects of age/cohort/period difficult to untangle statistically
2. mortality

Trend Studies

- different samples from the same population measured over Time
- in MCM = most common
- gives information about net changes; used to DESCRIBE long-term changes

Advantages :
1. establish pattern - detect changes
2. can use secondary data
Disadvantages
1. must be consistently measured

Panel studies

- same people at different times
- shows net changed + gross changes
- indicates shifting attitudes and patterns of group/indiv. behaviours

Advantages
1. Answers questions on the dynamics of changes
Disadvantages
1. difficult to recruit
2. problems with respondents replies
3. sensitisation causes sample to become atypical
4. TIME/COST

3 types of PANEL
1. Continuous
2. Interval
3. Special
- retrospective, follow-back, catch-up

-----

Good for :
1. sensitive to measurements over time
2. estimates data even if people are lost to mortality, because previous data are held
3. repeated consistent measures form replication = external validity

Statistical Worth

- Provides empirical evidence to establish causal evidnce (NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IT MEANS)
- e.g. cumulative exposure

Bad because :
1. Maturation
2. Mortality
3. Statistical Regression

----

*** Cross-sectional Research ***

1. single point in time (status quo)
2. disregards past/future
3. economical

-----

Content Analysis

- systematic
- objective (no bias)
- techiques that
- quantify communication

ie, identify and count indicators of variables being studied

2 major approaches :
1. MANIFEST
- visible/surface content
- survey
2. LATENT
- underlying meaning
- subjective, unspecific, unreliable

Content analysis can be used for
1. Describing communication CONTENT
2. Comparing media content to real world
3. Assess Image of Groups in Society
-minoritiy representations?
4. Gives starting point for Media effects studies
- consideration of how attitudes are cultivated or formed

Steps:
1. Research qn, hypothesis
2. Define population
3. Select and define unit of analysis
4. Construct categories to be analysed
Must be:
- exclusive (specific, no overlaps)
- exhaustive (all possible categories)
- reliable (coders see eye to eye)

5. Quantification System
6. Train coders/Pilot study
7. Code content

Inter-coder reliability

- Levels of agreement among independent coders who code the same content using the same coding instrument

8. Analyse
9. Conclusions
Note: content analysis is the content, not the people, so no claims about impact of content should be made. it should therefore, not be the only basis for media effects arguements

Advantages:
1. Unobtrusive
2. Stuides data in context

Disadvantages
1. time-consuming/expensive
2. cannot be the only basis for media effects arguments

-9:28 am

Sampling and Validity

Sampling

1. Population is defined as a group of subjects/objects/events that have characteristics of interest to ressearcher.

however, sometimes the population is too large to study. a study of every member in a population is called a census.

for such a case, we take samples instead. samples are a subgroup of the population that is representative of it. the results are thus generalisable.

2. There are two major sampling types :
- Probablity(prob),
- Non-probability (np)

The differences between the two are that prob uses mathematical guidelines whereas np does not. on top of that, prob sampling allows for testing of sampling error.

There are each 4 types of sampling techinques in each type.

Probability sampling

1. Simple random
- subjects have a consecutive number + must have an equal chance of selection
- inaccurate (might not be representative)
- but it does not require much knowledge of population

2. Systematic random
- there is a fixed way of choosing subjects (there is a mathematical pattern, e.g. every 5th member)
- can be more accurate
- periodicity : order of items in population list may bias selection

3. Stratified sampling
- specific subsample of population is *represented*
- lesser sampling error : more representative because samples are drawn from a homogeneous subset of population
- requires knowledge of population
- costly and time-consuming
- could be difficult to find samples

4. Clustering (multi-cluster) sampling
- selection based on categories/groups
- District > street > household > person
- costs are reduced if clusters are well-defined
- clusters might not be representative

Non-prob sampling

1. Available
- self-explanatory
- but not generalisable + no known chance of error + no validity

2. Volunteer
- not representative

3. Purposive
-selection on specific characteristics
- not representative

4. Quota
- selection to meet predetermined %
- used to reflect population charateristics

---

Factors in choosing a sampling type
1. Time
2. Cost
3. Purpose
4. Error

Confidence level : how confident the samples can be used to represent the population
- 95% for social sciences

Confidence interval : range of scores associated with the level
e.g. interval of 54%-62%

---

Error

1. Sampling (standard) error
2. Measurement error
3. Random (unknown) error

all three combined scores = total error

----

Validity

Internal / External

Internal = is the study designed for accuracy of investigation? is it accurate for the group of people studied
External = can the results be generalised?


Threats to internal validity

Research threats
1. History - an event (artifact) that influenced people (pre-test - post-test)
2. Instrument Decay - either equipment or researchers
3. Causal time order
4. Testing - subjects too sensitive to tests

Researcher threats
1. Experimenter bias

Participant threats
1. Maturation
2. Mortality
3. Sample Selection
4. Evaluation apprehension
5. Demand characteristics
6. Diffusion of treatment
7. Statiscal Regression

Threats to external validity
ie, how well results can be generalised across population, time, settings

1. Sampling
2. Replication : verification of study
- Exact (Literal)
- Partial : certain sections changed (Operational & Instrumental)
- Conceptual : concepts/issues examined

-9:21 am

im fucking sure that im gonna get $20 cut off from my $75. if that happens, ima gonna be very mad. i mean, WTF? cant keep on to your own cards then dont give it out! i dont even need it. i like to have fun with security anyway. i dont need a card. i need $$ you jackasses... fucktards.

-12:19 am

eh fuck lar... finished some cocked up job that had us dressing as pyjamas clowns and walking around bugis in bunny slippers.

zzz... sianz... although got $75, im pissed because i had a chance to
a) get a loudhailer
b) get $20 an hour instead of $15.

ok ok... i should shut up about the money. but HEY! we wasting our precious time?!? MRM exam like two days away... did it ever occur to bald and shiny that its important AND difficult???

bawgh... nvm. glad its over.... shall focus harder on the goddamn exams. especially with that load off my mind..

pleease dear God, by whatever grace i possess, let me do well... i know i have been a wicked boy. but its too hard to be a saint. im no saint. im not even human. just a hypocritical psycho with a penchant for getting people into trouble just by my aura alone..

and oh yes.. please refer to
Seal of Joy - my new blog

go shoo! dont come here again!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

-3:10 pm

What is the Goth culture?

It is basically indefinable, because "Goth" means different things to each follower. Many adopt unusual fashions in order to separate themselves from other youth.

Gordon A. Crews, associate dean of the School of Justice Studies at Roger Williams University in Bristol, CT claims the mentality is, 'I want to be left alone but I want to be seen. I want to see the shock on other peoples' faces."

Some factors that are commonly observed are:
-Its unique music, art and literature.
-The use of extreme black clothing, light colored makeup, unusual hair styles, body piercing, bondage items, etc.
-A fascination with medieval, Victorian and Edwardian history.
-Goths tend to be non-violent, pacifistic, passive, and tolerant. Many in the media have mistakenly associated Goth with extreme violence and hatred of minorities, white supremacy, etc.
-Many Goths write about being depressed. Followers seem sullen and withdrawn, when in public. They are often much more "happy and carefree in the company of [other] Goths."

Examples of depression are :
-"Tigriss," commenting on her own life, writes: "So my gothic persona fit me quite well. My black clothing and dark music aptly reflected my own depression, pain, and anger which was what I made most of my life about. Most of my goth friends had dysfunctional families and troubled childhoods as mine. We could identify with each other through our dark make-up and painful pasts."

-Researcher Jasin Tamlin comments: "If you take a look at the 640 sites that are listed on the Gothic Web Ring, you will find many of them filled with desperation, depression, anger, hatred, despair and angst."

-"A lot of people turn to the Gothic subculture after having a hard time in school, feeling alienated, and looking for a way to express themselves that mirrors those feelings. Others find the scene through literature, still others want to be shocking, and some people just find black clothing slimming."

--- how interesting --- but it doenst tell me much ---

anyway, credits to Religious Tolerance - Goth Culture

Friday, September 09, 2005

-10:09 pm

all i could do this smile bitterly... all i could do is stifle myself...

you feel that...?
that overwhelming sensation. thats your rage.
you feel that...?
that biting sensation. thats your jealousy.
you feel that...?
that hopeless sensation. thats your paranoia.
you feel that...?
that fuelling sensation. thats your fear.
you feel that...?
that numbing sensation. thats your hope.

its all gone down. rage fueled by fear, catalysed by paranoia, bitten by cruel, unjustifiable jealousy.

go shoot yourself. you depressed dumbass.

-------

ok... ima gonna open up a 'happy' blog soon. this blog is pathetic. its useless.
anyway who cares right? so yeah... please when i announce it... do go there. dont ever come back. it wont be updated.
shoo! scat! scram! woof!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

-6:40 pm

holy shit... i fell asleep and dreamt of michele exercising half-naked. wtf was that all about.

i need a job. anyone with lobangs?

-10:31 am

STAIND LYRICS

"Painful"

My head is a barricade
Filled with peaceful thoughts
With evil outcomes
No one understands
Try to break the barrier
I see no outlet
No ones there to catch me when I fall

Try to explain
My loss of words
Fuck you I piss upon you all

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

-10:32 am

why why why? why am i so stupid? why do i keep doing that?

why cant i stay still. why cant i be emotionless once again.

why cant i get it out of my head. confusion regins

get away from me!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

-9:23 pm

well that was an exercise in futility.

one whole day wasted and my boiling point has nearly been reached.

heey ong han yuen. loseer boy. deal with it.

-9:09 pm

before i lose my mask of sanity.

i think theres some kind of monster living within....

its howling and raging against the cage of my heart....

one day it will break the walls down and tear into my psyche....

and i will lose my mind....

to blind fury....

unlike....

help

-7:27 pm

not needed... not needed at all. let them run away into their own world while you walk glumly behind. or maybe its just once?

not needed... and what is up with him. gonna wonder. but i can kinda guess.

-9:28 am

ST- HOME page 1 news (6-sempt-2005, tues)

Sex Fiend molested 8 women in one block

----

fucking disgusting bastard. at first only grab women from behind and touch their breasts. later getting bolder and bolder.

OMFG, lucky they caught him earlier. by what was reported, soon he will degenerate into trying out rape.

I HATE SEX OFFENDERS. i hate them so much. i abhor them. i think i would go mad and run amok and tear them apart with my hands if i ever catch them in the act. sometimes, i wonder why i hate them so much. *roars*

so unnatural hatred. burning passion for bringing them to justice.

IT GETS MY GOAT WHEN WOMEN GET PREYED UPON BY SEX OFFENDERS.
and look at that, 3 years and 8 strokes of the cane.

what the fuck is the judge thinking? hey dumbbass, 3 years is so short. in 3 years what if he comes out and goes back to his ways? he relocates somewhere?!?

HAVE YO UEVER THOUGHT OF YOUR CONSEQUENCES? WHAT IF YOUR SISTER, OF MOTHER, OR AUNT OR COUSIN GETS IT? HAVE YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF JUSTICE.

why do i hate them so much.... why? i hate them more than robbers or murderers. and those murdering losers get life. what rubbish!

if it were me,
1. minumum jail period of 10 years and a maximum of life. wahahha... and

2. 12 strokes of cane. maximum, I WILL PERSONALLY CANE HIM TILL HE BLEEDS AND SCREAMS AND CRIED FOR MERCY. but DID YOU SHOW THEM MERCY? DID YOU SHOW THE WOMEN MERCY? GO TO HELL.

3. molesters -> dominant hand chopped off and scarred with the tattoo SEX OFFENDER on hands.

4. rapists -> castration! instantly. then life, no death sentences. i give you your entire life, your 40,50,60,70,80 years of loneliness. i give you a cell with one a barred window of sunlight. i give you metallic doors and no bed and a pail. i give you living hell for the rest of your life. I SHALL MAKE YOU REGRET UNTILL YOU GO MAD AND BEG FOR MERCY. BUT YOU SHOWED NONE.

AND YOU SHALL GET NONE. go to hell.

-8:34 am

Conclusion:

Well.... i want to start off first by congratulating everyone on completing year 2, sem 1. We did it!

some of you feel a great sense of acheievement. Those people i am mentioning are the unsung heroes who stay up late night after night, working and reworking, trying their utmost best to perfect their work. i personally admire such unwavering dedication.

while i have tried to do that, i find that i can barely accomplish that feat. one reason i can think of is the fact that i used to sleep early and wake early. to suddenly transit from a schedule such as that to one where its late nights and bare minimum of sleep is tough to say the least. in any case, i tried my best and if any of my work is not up to standards, i can only offer my sincere apologies and do even better next semester. and yes, i hate my grades.

unfortunately, while some of us are slogging, or rather i should say most are, there are a select few who take this time to ride on other's success. i shan't name names. i believe that whoever reads will understand who these people are.

our project groups are rather diverse. each of us have 'served' in numerous other projects and had a chance to work with various other individuals. it is unfortuante, to say the least, that some of them do not desereve the credit they receieve.

worse still, they may even drag the group down. as my friend from TP has said, and i quote, "i rather have a 3-man team than a 4-man team with one dead-weight."

why is that? imagine the dead-weight. the other 3 not only has to work, but has to drag, sometimes literally, the fourth man. that is not acceptable and results in too much unproductivity.

thank goodness then that we have peer evaluation forms.

they are a weapon. a double-edged sword. on the one hand, they allow for a (usually fair) evaluation of the shared workload. on the other, they destroy relationships.

is it neccessay? i used to think no. but in year 2 i have come to change my mind.

year 2 has certainly brought out the best and worse in people. we have seen with our eyes how some of the aforementioned dead-weights are. we have identified them. we have tried to work with them. we have no choice.

and we marked them accordingly.

i simply wish to say that this year 2, sem 1, has seen so much bitching and backstabbing. i have never marked or (probably) being marked this much, compared to year 1. its frightening, its confusing. friend. 'foe'. clueless. just struggling to stay afloat.

sometimes, i feel so frightened. so afraid that i have failed to live up to myself, or others expectations. sometimes, i wonder if someone out there is counter-marking me down. sometimes i feel so lost and alone. i have no idea who to talk to about who or what. walls have ears, and this can be seen so clearly here.

it feels so much like a nightmare. the bitching and backstabbing. a web of deceit and false smiles and chirpy voices. a facade. break it down and you see the rotten core of humanity.

or you are hurt. and you just live with it. you hang on, literally hanging on to that small spark of hope in your heart. you just want to live and get to the end.

as the semester draws towards a close, as our project workloads pile higher and higher, our spirits take a beating. kudos to those strong individuals, with their strong, calm facade. their clarity and perceptions in choices related to work can re-kindle the fire of hope. and make us work harder.

now that its over.... for now. we have to concentrate on our exams. and then after that, then its time to really relax. because i bet everyone is just so drained.

i wish to end off by apologising to those that i flared up at. if ever i have stamped on your feelings, i ask for your kind understanding. because it was for what i believed was the good of the project. as everyone has differing views on how things should procceed, clashes are bound to happen. its just how you solve the problems. in this respect, i have likely failed. thats why i am here saying, "I am sorry and i hope to improve next semester, if i have another chance."

thank you,good luck, so long and goodnight.


-----------

heh.. must go around reading others blogs to find out their thoughts.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

-8:14 am

The day after


well.... its drawing to an end. the last major project.

in hindsight, many many things could have been improved. it just slipped through our tired minds thats all...





-------

and my parents are fuckers. i think i mentioned this so many times before in the blog. this blog is fucking old.

its my pet topic.
Our motion for today is, "DO WE NEED PARENTS" and i am from the opposition team.

--------

i hope karthi is fine. i hope others are fine. you see thats the stupid fucked up thging about me. i should have remained stone cold and uncaring. then i wouldnt be so sensitive to the fucked up things a few people fuck me on.

then again, i wouldnt be as caring. i wouldnt give a fuck if your group couldnt tabulate the results for what fuck. i wouldnt give a fuck if you needed photos for something. i wouldnt give a fuck about anything at all.

it used to be that case. but if i did that, i would truly stand alone. even worse than somebody. somebody. im not saying who.

--------

ok lar. enough lar. i guess people (if they even bother reading), would just snap at me and say 'aiya kanchiong mah' i wont repeat my point here. but yeah i explained that one above liaoz.


-----------

good luck everyone.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

-7:08 am

i know its bad work. but i tried.
really i did.

so sorry folks. am burning out.

-7:05 am

i see im not needed.

then so long and good night...

----

[DARE]
alyn~aforannoying
glen-nys
Shavonne
---
[CAMPUS]
Huiyi~
'Vann the Psalmist
Amy the rich girl
Pearlynn~
----
dream guitar
Seal of the Spirit
---
fiona
fang
isabel
julian
karthi
lynn
nurul
penny
pearl
prema
sylvia
say wee
tricia
---



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