Wednesday, August 31, 2005
-8:23 am
everyones cutting their hair. ok nvm.
----
in more recent and important news... WOULD PEOPLE JUST DO THEIR FUCKING WORK AND STOP FUCKNIG UP THE PLANS?
anyway... sorry. grumpy. lack sleep. everyone is. look deep into their eyes. its a blank.
bees buzzing in my head. so hard... so hard to think and formulate my thoughts. i cant remember what day issit. i am just counting down the hours. its all a fast blur. like a shutter speed too slow. life seems to draaaaag on and the hours, and minutes and seconds have a life of their own. ticking on and on... inexorable.
cant stop the time. cant stop from shaking. cant stop lying. cant stop being angry. cant stop cursing myself enough. am i doing too much? i have to. its the end anyway.
i have done nothing in the beginning. its my repayment. take it. dont hesitate. or i will SCREAM at you.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
-8:25 pm
i cut my hair. and its so damn short. haiiz... i just wished my long hair. and nothing happened.
----
my eye hurts. i wish to Heaven i could have my eyesight back. and nothing happened.
----
i have 3 major projects next week. and Lord, it took one whole week to do 2. i wish it all away. and nothing happened.
----
weep into the night boy... its when you are yourself again.
-5:18 pm
Nightwish - Ocean Soul
One more night
To bear this nightmare
What more do I have to say
Crying for me was never worth a tear
My lonely soul is only filled with fear
Long hours of loneliness
Between me and the sea
Losing emotion
Finding devotion
Should I dress in white and search the sea
As I always wished to be - one with the waves
Ocean Soul
Saturday, August 27, 2005
-9:45 am
can people chill over the weekednd? some people dont realise that other groups had a lot of shit for their TV and MRM? bloody hell.
---
-8:00 am
ok just a quick update.
MRM DONE! WOOHOOO!
TV DONE! WOOHOO!!
Life rocks again!
i can hear the cheers now! wahaha...
----
i despair for the human race. such animosity. japan, sydney and sunny innocent singapore has been targeted by al-qaeda. cant they CHILL?
time to avoid the mrt like the plague.
----
Guys can be so immature.
they dont realise how much they stifle instead of care.
and the old 'oh i love you very much thats why' doesnt, and shouldnt, compute into 'i love you so much that i shall stifle you and make you lose your freedom to make other guy friends that i dont know off' OR worse still 'oh i dont trust you'.
oh grow up all you guys. how many times and from how many people have i heard it?
If you really think you are prepared to be in a relationship, you should be prepared to lose it also.
anyway, love is like sand lying on your palm. hold it too tight, it trickles through the minute gaps between your fingers. a closed heart is like that clenched fist. love will trickle through.
love with an open heart.
after all, you can hold more things with an open palm. what more an open heart?
----
sometimes i look at people. i read their faces. they send off such strong messages of despair that it cuts into my heart. i think i hung out with the right people(person) for awhile. and it reawakened this stone cold heart.
made me feel again. sometimes abit too much. hah!
Monday, August 22, 2005
-11:40 pm
Nightwish
Bless the Child
Where have all the feelings gone?
Why has all the laughter ceased?
Why am I loved only when I'm gone?
Gone back in time to bless the child
Think of me long enough to make a memory
Come bless the child one more timeHow can I ever feel again?
Given the chance would I return?
I've never felt so alone in my life
As I drank from a cup which was counting my time
There's a poison drop in this cup of Man
To drink it is to follow the left hand path"Where have all the feelings gone?
Why is the deadliest sin - to love as I loved you?
Now unblessed, homesick in time,
soon to be freed from care, from human pain.
My tale is the most bitter truth:
Time pays us but with earth & dust, and a dark, silent grave.
Remember, my child: Without innocence the cross is only iron,
hope is only an illusion & Ocean Soul's nothing but a name...
The Child bless thee & keep thee forever"
Friday, August 19, 2005
-6:43 am
TAKING BACK SUNDAY LYRICS
"Number Five With A Bullet"
we're gonna die like this you know
miserable and old
really gotta hand it to you
really gotta hand it to you
are you positive
absolutely sure
well just get dressed, don't do this
just get dressed, don't do this
spend the night lit listening to miles davis
you said it makes you want to fall in love
or be smart enough to keep your distance
you can't decide, you can't decide
we're gonna die like this you know
miserable and old
really gotta hand it to you
really gotta hand it to you
are you positive
absolutely sure
well just get dressed, don't do this
just get dressed, don't do this
---
i wonder what happened to my primary and secondary school friends.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
-9:11 pm
i sound too emo dont i?
or issit too much? that it sounds psychotic?
anyway... shall cut down. ill record those somewhere else.
----
ooh.... Superstar Kelly Poon is so pretty.
*nods head* such a sweet smile... *nods head again*
----
something is missing. i cant figure out what. but i hope i do before its too late.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
-10:11 pm
Go to hell father.
-7:55 pm
well...
1. TV guest is running away. So we had to grab one last minute. That makes, us, karthi and sylvia. Life rocks.
2. Newswriting. The reporters all have stories. I have nothing. im gonna be marked down laaar. I have no strong issues to say.
3. i.dont.want.TO.STAY.home.because.
4. why do people like TO SHOUT AT ME? and they scold me if i have a bad temper. CHECK yourselves first. Look at WHO starts shouting first.
5. Sub-editing IS VERY DIFFICULT!!! IM NOT KIDDING!!! cause of the lead. have to re-think the lead through and through, and then the re-arranging of facts and quotes through the story. Blah Blah.
ok enough!
-7:19 pm
my jeans still stink of mud. and its SUPERmud. not mud mud. but the real shit-ass shit smell mud.
----
ok shant cuss so much. found out that the TV group is a very polite and nice bunch. doesnt cuss and swear so much.
shall save it for more hardcore uses.
---
im so dead with the bloody news thingie. gonnaaa get marked down and fail lar. ive done NOTHING. shit.
-8:28 am
$282 - $52 = $230, where $52 is the bus concession.
If i eat two meals a day, approx. $10 ea. day goes to food.
Therefore, $10 x 7 days = $70.
So if each week i use $70 to eat, then 4 weeks = $280.
$280 > $230...
Therefore.. IM SCREWED. THANKS MOM.
-6:41 am
crumbling under the stress...
i hate to find stories. i rather write and edit stories.
anyway....
----------
FMS LECTURERS!!!!!!!
xxx
xxxxx
xxx
xxxx
xxxxx
xx
ok rant finished.
--------
i need $10.
gonna pierce more earholes.
Monday, August 15, 2005
-11:03 pm
OM... i hate to look into the mirror. i look terrible. i feel terrible.
----
well that was a futile attempt at photography. i have nothing against ubin. but if you bring us to a place where all we can see is green trees. you will get green tree photographs. i think all of us tried our best to squeeze out something from the flora.
i realised i lost my lens cap halfway. felt so demoralised by the heat and the loss as well as the fact i am gonna miss someone's interview and MRM meeting that i just lost interest. i doubt if i would have enough photos (30 needed) to hand in. haiiz...
luckily i found the lens cap. asking for permission was easy, but then i think people gave me weird stares. its ok class. you dont have to like me.
backtracked with juju. we turned down the wrong path and ended up in a mini beach. the scene was beautiful!!! its ironic really. us trudging through the sweltering heat and hordes of bugs, but because of a mistake i get to see something beautiful. took a few shots of that area before hurrying on to find my cap.
anyway to the people i couldnt meet, so sorry... i didnt know class would start late and end late. so sorry... another time i suppose...
------
BBMak - Ghost of you and meWhat am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I cant let go
When will this night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
And one of them is mine
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me
The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
------
Saturday, August 13, 2005
-8:47 pm
it was the mirror. he hated it. but that hatred stemmed from fear.
was it what flaws he perceived? there they were! glaring out at him. always glowing and callnig for attention. yes.... he did fear to look in. afraid that his eyes would be drawn to it, like bees to honey. once he sees it... it might never stop. it might never.
and that irrational paranoia. that distrust of people's intentions. many nights have he sat up questioning himself... the whys, the whens, that whats, the hows. niggering thoughts ate away at him, not unlike maggots feasting on their carcass. slowly and surely, like those maggots, his mind would be eaten away. he knows it. but there is nothing to be done.
only to wait... and watch those 'maggots' make a meal out of him.
-----
what the mind cannot comprehend, the heart can. but what if.. both fail? then what? sometimes.... it seems life has no direction.
im floating through the days, worse than a ghost. i just live to eat and sleep. just live to fulfill the characteristics assigned to living things.
-----
the heart is a complicated place. no one understands its inner mechanisms. no great mind has pierced the fog of mystery around the human emotional heart.
how do we love? why? questions questions. they abound; are aplenty. answers are scarce and unfulfilling.
sometimes it feels like the truth. sometimes it doesnt. it doesnt matter. it never will. because, in this world we all live in, there a few people destined never to love or be loved.
-8:22 pm
ok its been a long two days. but im gonna lump it as one. therefore...
its actually 12th August as well as 13th August.
----
first off... got crapped off for my newswriting. im so dead. and im so tired. but thats no excuse. and i no others wont spare me any quarter. all i can do is struggle on.
then after rushed advertising. we spent ALOT of $$$ on the bloody sales promo. that and our effort and determination. all in all... its rather BLAH. so i wont comment much. *smiles*
rushed advert from 1pm to 4pm. actually its longer... if you count the morning. but then... *shrugs* who cares?
after advertising felt bored... so went to help carry our own promo package to FMS. followed the Gatorade group. hah... they are damn funny. but i cant smile... cant bring myself to laugh or anything. just so tired.
-----
KAP for lunch, not hungry... but hell... free mcnuggets. just take a few or something... argh... i felt dragooned into watching Exorcist, but it ROCKS! i only watched it halfway... but some of the scenes are so damn FUNNY!!!! wahahah....
fiona and joanna kept laughing also.
anyway... no regrets about that. but had to leave halfway. haiiz... wish i could watch the full uncensored version.
-----
later left to go marina square. haiiz... shant say much about it. just that felt really dumb. if only i was smarter. but no i wasnt.
all i could do was grab my 3 bags and run like hell. run through mud and sweat and a yellow haze of fatigue born of desperation. but i still didnt make it. dumb. dumb dumb. dumb dumb dumb me.
ran like 2 rounds round the carnival. but it was just too dark and confusing. in the end, go lost at the bayside. just collapsed.
------
later had to rush back to school. what the hell man... there was supposed to be a meteor shower that night. i wanted to photgraph that also.
met up with lynn pearl and ness. and meteor shower... WHAT SHOWER? cheat my feelings! all i see is haze clouds and engineering students grumbling about FMS in chinese. seriously... the whole room was speaking in chinese. and only us in english... real tense in that room. especially since we slept all over the place. waha.
------
so yeah.... double disappointment.
went to blk 56 at almost 7am. thought we could catch the rising sun. but no sun either. what the hell man.... nothing to shoot. but i didnt want to waste the trip so i randomly shot some photos.
life sucks!
that makes it three disappointments.
------
nevermind.... left school on 13th August in the early morn and reached home like... around 8/9? then tinkered around with my laptop and bathed... but too sleepy. only managed 45minutes of sleep before having to rush off to Raffles Hospital to meet my TV group.
im not very willing.. so sleepy lar. but i ended up the earliest and the hungriest. ate before the others came and went to sit at the sofas. so shiok... so sleepy. took a nap while waiting for everyone to assemble.
im not sure why... but everyone seems to be really bad-temepered today. what... lack of sleep? its like, say one sentence and, "SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!" back.
just gave up.... pointless also lar. like talking to air.
so yeah... at least works done.
-------
tml is sunday. i think i have no group meetings... shall devote the time to ironing out my life.
especially something. its my retribution. i asked to steal the pain away. i got my wish. everyday i grow weaker. and everyday i grow more hot-tempered.
its coming back. the old days. those... were the days... THAT I DONT WANT. im not about to lose whatever friends i have left. but... they all seem so unwilling.
maybe they are tired. but then... why the coolness?
why do u treat me coldly again?
and... why do i feel a barrier between us?
and.... how is it that im talking to air to you?
forget it you all. forget it. i shall weather this myself.
------
Thursday, August 11, 2005
-8:14 am
feeling really down... keep wondering what i did wrong. where i went wrong. self-efficacy = really low. and i keep making mistakes.
------
"National day is a day for projects."
hah! absolutely.
zzzz... but i dont mind it again. keeps my mind off stuff.
-----
to my groupmates : bear with me if im really bad-tempered. just feeling SHITTY.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
-11:40 pm
James Blunt - you are beautiful
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
-----------
hmm.... you cannot run away from our past. because it will always come back to haunt you. no matter how hard i run into my future, i cannot escape my past.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry--------------
finally getting some way with advertising and MM and TV. im left with newswriting and MRM to ponder.
---------------
im afraid of being labelled poseur. ok.. nvm. shant sound too emo here.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
-8:10 am
i lack so much sleep that when im typing or doing project work, i keep nodding off. soon i think ill just fall asleep while talking or something. termed, "micronaps"
basket.... its national day. and i have work to do. its not the work. its the smarmy way my shitty sister from NJC keeps comparing how busy we are. get this.... IRRITATING JC PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE NEVER EVER BUSIER THAN MEDIA STUDENTS. HARDWORKING MEDIA STUDENTS I MAY ADD.
you fugly pug!ok anyway... woke up today to a terrible stomachache. and then realised i havent done the shit. so sleepy i was nodding off at my keyboard.
then as i was eating a quick breakfast, my sister came over and decided to kpkb.
"WHERES THE CAMERA CABLE?"
shutup! i dont know anything?
fight quarrel scream shout and my work is left hanging on my computer screen. its national day morning and here we are... embroiled in a slinging match.
"I DIDNT TAKE IT"
"YOU WERE THE LAST ONE TO TAKE IT"
what? you a kid all of a sudden. BAH!!! the grade of our JC students have seriously gone down. GET THIS... (MOST OF) YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE AS BUSY, OR AS 'MATURE' AS (MOST) OF THE POLY STUDENTS.
so shutup and go back to your room.
-------
and then my father comes over righT?
coz he thinks he is some kind of ancient arbiter or what.
then he starts digging like a bloody mole.
he even fumbled around in my camera bag. DONT EVER TOUCH MY CAMERA!
and then... he starts saying things like, "Never be a parent. You feed them... you blah blah. ANd then someone else buys something and then you are forgotten."
What the heck?
the story is that my aunt brought that camera for me. but its a loan. i will pay her back. and now what... you are jealous? whose fault is it? you are so deep in debt that even Jesus cant save you.
Monday, August 08, 2005
-11:19 pm
ok... i think i sound too emo.
feeeerget it.
its all about the temper and the two C-words.
you may be right... you always seem to know... not say, know what to say. but you are wise... in your way (:
------
work is piling up. the pressure is building on people. dont fret. it will soon be over....
------
i wonder how lame i look. i may look like a poseur lugging that around, but i do have an interest. i may never progress past hobbyist. but at least i like what i do.
------
Sunday, August 07, 2005
-6:03 pm
Went Esplanade.
Beautiful day. beautiful clouds. breezy wind. zephyrs.
nothing beautiful within me.
went home and got lost. what the....
took 56 to novena. was sure there was 124 to take me home. nothing.
walked a distance to another bus stop.
saw 124 and 21. both should take me home.
no.
21 came and i clambered on board. it took me away, further away from home.
got off and realised where i was. it has been a long time.
over in the distance... past the crowns of trees swaying in the wind, a tiled roof loomed. old, cracked bricks. red, burnt to brown. weathered, old and familiar.
cross the road and walked over.
i should go home, i thought. i should.
but i didnt. i walked. my feet guided me. my mind was elsewhere. my heart...
it was gone. the sign was gone. it used to read, "Mee Toh Primary". it was my primary school. in its place, a gaudy banner, with Chinese characters. it read, "Celebrating the Ghost Festival"
aged men and women milled about. they were unloading and packing. trucks moved by. people worked in the setting sun. i stood there. stoned. watching.
it hit me then. like a moving train. hard and fast and it bought me back a decade ago in a second.
the tuckshop benches were gone. it was tiny to begin with. it could not even qualify to being called a 'canteen'.
i stared at the corridors leading to the library. i used to spend time in it. digging up asterix comics. i loved them.
on the higher levels i saw the roof of the hall. it was small. but so was i. and to a kid, it was cavernous. now it could best be described as an over-sized room. is the Buddha statue still there? i came from a Buddhist school. ironic, really.
beyond the hall, the classroom block.
i remember being roughed up by a pack of eager, smiling gangsters. i had tread on their toes. i cant remember why.
they had stolen my pencil. it was precious. one of those new-fangled devices - shake and the lead comes out. $2+. treasure for a kid...
they have chased my around the school.
now they also take my pride.
the leader was a fat swarthy boy. he smelled so bad... i wondered if he even bathed. his cronies surrounded him, egging him on.
i was alone. back to a wall. they fanned out and surrounded me.
i didnt cry.
but... i burnt within.
it was quick : saved by the recess bell. literally.
it would take more incidents than that to mould me.
those incidents came later on.
i would never bow down to hooligans again.
i would never fear to fight, ever.
-------------
left the place. i could spend the whole day standing there reminiscing. but...
lots of buts.went back to the bus stop. another 21. dare i risk it?
yes.
crowded. dark and gloomy. i like it.
found a seat near the entrance. waited to be taken home.
i changed to an empty row. next stop he got on.
another swarthy old man. pot belly protruding. face speckled and weatherbeaten. gnarled hands. sunken round eyes.
stumbled over to my seat. the stench...
i closed my eyes and moved aside to let him in what rudeness. waving his newspaper like a magic wand. expecting me to move aside for him. elderly.
i hate them. they strut. what? strut what? when things dont go their way, they scold the young.
he opened his legs so wide. it probably looked obscene from the front. thankfully no one there. but he blocked off more than half the seat.
i hate them.exasperation now. i changed seats back to my old one.
i hate them. he stared. i returned the favour. we lock eyes and i smirked and snorted.
----------------
home. empty. light is fading and im here typing away.
i dont feel anything. i just feel vindicated. i was right all along. she was. my grandmother. always warning about my temper.
but i could swear its alive and has a mind of its own. it was not unlike a coiled cobra. it was not unlike a wounded lion.
tears. screams. laughter. regret. confusion. forlorn.
---------------
COLDPLAY LYRICS
"Til Kingdom Come"
Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you say,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.
----------------
Artist: Avenged Sevenfold
Title: Unholy Confessions
"I'll try," she said as he walked away.
"Try not to lose you."
Two vibrant hearts could change.
Nothing hurts my world,
just affects the ones around me
"I wish I could be the one,
the one who won't care at all
But being the one on the stand,
I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.
When time soaked with blood turns its back,
I know it's hard to fall.
Confined in me was your heart
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me."
-------------
perhaps you are right.
i am meant to be alone. born to feel aloof.
no matter how much i laugh and joke. i wonder.
Friday, August 05, 2005
-11:55 pm
did a good deed today. happy~
almost lost my temper again. i think i should be careful of the night. seems to affect me lots. or maybe its just my imagination.
tried to offer help and advice. but technology screwed me up. too tired to think also... zzz.
i think people dont want my help. although i can...
Thursday, August 04, 2005
-9:03 pm
i care for my friends. only those who care back. thats normal.
veracity, people. it can be checked.
anyway stop harping on that... theres work to be done.
Friday : MM 9.30am
Monday : Advert 12pm / Newswriting 5pm
Ok.
-6:41 am
I WAS HERE
Posted by Picasa
-6:41 am
Posted by Picasa
-6:41 am
Where is the Love???
Posted by Picasa
-6:41 am
Posted by Picasa
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
-8:17 pm
Horoscope for the Bull:
Today's ForecastYou're a wizard with words, especially when it comes to making complicated concepts clear to just about anyone. That skill comes in extra handy today, when big ideas need you as their ambassador.
The Bottom LineRun your ideas past your friends. They might have something to add to the mix.
In Detail
A surprisingly positive response awaits you if you're willing to put yourself out there. What's imperative is that you examine your motives before you speak. Are you voicing sentiments that will satisfy immediate needs, or do you have the long term in mind? Are you considering only petty ego concerns, or are you weighing the benefits to all the parties involved? If you speak from your heart, you are guaranteed excellent feedback.
---
what the hell...
i never meant to insult you. never meant to leave you. never meant to shout at you.
many things i dont mean it. but i cant control it.
i wish things could go back to how they used to be. but then you have your life. be happy...
zzzz.... i want to be sub-ed + photographer.
I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, "I know."
I said, "God, I cry a lot."
And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."
I said "God, I am so depressed."
And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."
I said, "God, life is so hard."
And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "God, my loved one died."
And God said, "So did mine."
I said, "God, it is such a loss."
And God said, "I saw mine nailed to a cross."
I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "God, where are they now?"
And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours will
be in the Light."
I said, "God, it hurts."
And God said, "I know."
Monday, August 01, 2005
-10:38 pm
So happy to take photos today... *wistful*
anyway... things never last long. i mean many things by that...
take the camera i borrowed. its not mine. never was. never will. sooner or later it has to go.
realised what a fool ive been. im a bad man. bad angry people shouldnt be allowed.
i should just bear my pain.
because im destined to be lonely.
no one on earth can contain my rage.
i think... maybe...
but NO! no one. people that might have. cannot. hah... what am i saying.
anyway... so damn cursed. came home and everything is a mess. i hate home. i hate this house. i hate my mother.
its all falling apart down here... just want to be somewhere else. somewhere... but its over. things can never go back can they?
just sitting here in this dark room... hearing the whirr of the printing heads.
*whirr* heh.... until next time.
